You think you hot **** cause you caught Mewtwo and can list off all 6000 Pokemon in the Gen 8 Pokedex and you know every anime theme by heart? Nah man, you old school- take a look a Bulu Monsters
, clearly the savior destined to crush Nintendo's cash cow and take the mantle of monster collection simulator for itself. Just look at those numbers- 120-bazillion reviews and a 4 and a half star overall user rating. This is the CREAM of the CROP, the best of the best on the Android Store and clearly you sad clowns bent on playing games on your consoles and not on your mobile device are totally stuck looking at the rest of the world through rose tinted binoculars.
In fact I'm going to show you a day in the life of a true Bulu Master like myself so you can see how life changing it is.
So basically the game starts off with a bunch of boring tutorials about how to catch monsters and move around the world map and ****. But I'm gonna skip all that and get right to the action. I always start by heading to my crib, where we keep all the monsters before its time to hit the road. What's that? Sounds like a Pokemon Center? Hell naw, we're heading to the motherfuckin' Bulu farm:
I don't know what they do all day- there's nothing but grass and fence- but they ain't complaining yet. Pick six tough lookin Gs and we ready to roll:
While we're out hunting for treasure chests these little shits keep attacking us:
This whole area is filled with nothing but Earth monsters, but the bee has a flying type move which hits supereffectively! Somebody's getting...
Oh, and the level ups:
Bumble...bee? That's the most creative name they could come up with? Ahh, **** it, he's the new alpha of the G-squad. Time to take on a trainer:
There's only one or two trainers per area but they're some real tough bastards, their monsters are always way tougher than anything you're using and they'll probably **** you up the first time you battle one. But with Pimp Bee in hand I ain't scared. Time to kick this kid's scrawny ginger ass:
Funny thing about Psycho Shield (and all the other shield moves)- while still blocking any attack it lasts two turns instead of the one turn moves like Protect or Detect in Pokemon. Meaning by simply alternating between your shield and an attack you're pretty much invincible. Certain moves will break shields though, and damage over time effects (which are everywhere in this game and deal a ton of damage) still hit your monster even when you're shielding. Generally the AI doesn't handle them all that well:
Oh sheeet, the final monster:
Earth type, right? Time for Bee-Rabid to knock some sense into this fool:
Still manage to pull out a win... barely. That leads to this giant ass monster on the top of the map:
Looks like an earth or dragon type. Time to catch us a new soldier for the crew! Now I'm sure after all that battling we'll no problem catching something, right? First lets look in our pack:
5 capture balls... a few potions... and four tag things I have no idea what to do with. Yeah, this isn't looking all that hot. Time to head to the shop:
Coins? This **** costs money
? I don't remember getting coins from ANY of my battles, not even the trainer fight. So how am I supposed to get-
I am not spending money on consumable junk! Charge me once for the game and don't resort to this mobile pay-to-win nonsense that curses EVERY GAME IT TOUCHES with being a mindless money sink
...**** it lets kill this guy anyways:
So it IS a dragon type. Bulu dragons don't play around, either- unlike in Pokemon they resist every single element
except dragon and ice, and ice isn't even super effective! So even though Faffy here is only lv 12, he's still a pain in the ass to deal with. Ruby can chip it down with Blizzard, but I have to use a potion to revive Killah B to finish the job:
Generic Dragon loses, orders us to visit a cave for him, and we wonder why he's "sparing" us when we clearly won the battle. Something something boring generic plot. We go to the world map and this **** pops up:
NO GAME I'M NOT RATING YOU JUST LET ME PLAY ya money grubbing bastard
okay time to go to the next area! one problem though, all my Bulu slaves are knocked out except Bee who's already low on health! well there's no Pokemon Center and I don't have any more potions so where do we go? back to the farm I guess, there's nowhere else to go:
Oh right, that "rest" button! I knew there was some way we could heal our monsters, just gotta click-
You want me to wait fifteen minutes for a heal?
When the monster isn't even knocked out? Did these idiot developers ever play Pokemon? What part of healing your team freely and instantly did these guys not understand? How in the **** did they think Pokemon would be more fun if you had to spend 15 minutes doing NOTHING but standing around?
oh and I get it this is all an incentive to get people to spend money on cash shop potions but that doesn't make it good game design. I'd happily pay $15-$20 for this **** if it actually was a functional and complete game but NOPE. now I'm not spending a goddamn penny cause it just means that when I run out it will be back to endlessly waiting around again, and the waits will be even longer than before cause the wait actually GETS LONGER as you get higher in level. I guess its time to log out and wait for my monsters to heal and wonder why mobile gamers tolerate this garbage
well there you go folks thats bulu monsters hope you like your exciting adventures of the day, feel free to ask me your resident BULU MASTER about caring for your favorite monsters or other top tier pokemon clones I should probably try next