50 Ways To Annoy A Metalhead.




Posted by Boner

I got this in an email from a buddy of mine. It got a few good laughs out of me. Enjoy!

1. Tell them every metal band worships the devil.
2. Ask if all black metal bands are trying to copy KISS or just most of them.
3. Hide their joint under their library card.
4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.
5. If they're listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn't matter who.
6. Say it's all a ripoff of Iron Butterfly anyway.
7. Ask if they've given their souls to Jesus yet.
8. Vaguely imply that you're gay and would like their company for the evening.
9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.
10. Refuse to accept their fake I.D.
11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little.
12. Use the phrase "cookie monster vocals" and act like it's the funniest, most original thing you've ever come up with.
13. If they're listening to metal, tell them "These guys don't have talent. Now (insert any mainstream band here), those guys have talent!"
14. Say "What is vinyl?"
15. Point out how homosexual Manowar is. If they agree, tell them the only thing more homosexual is Black Sabbath with Dio.
16. Tell them it all sounds the same.
17. Admit that Cliff Burton was a dirty hippy who had already peaked musically.
18. If they say they love 80s metal, ask them what ever happened to Poison.
19. Tell them you like underground music too, like (insert the newest overhyped fashionable loud-ish band from the radio)
20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can't sing.
21. Insist that Emperor videos would be better if they used a dance troupe.
22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.
23. Divert their CD shipments to the local Jewish community center.
24. Write "*** Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.
25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn't that unique.
26. Post under their nickname on a power metal board and say Ray Alder nutss all over John Arch.
27. Take out the Iron Maiden disc and put in 50 Cent.
28. Give them a spiky pop-punk haircut while they sleep.
29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.
30. If they're over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.
31. Tell them you're not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.
32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show.
33. Make them be sober for five whole seconds.
34. Ask if Randy Rhoads was on the same flight as John Denver.
35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.
36. Turn the bass way up on their stereo.
37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.
38. Call Doro fat.
39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.
40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being wiggers.
41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.
42. If it's a guy with long hair, address him as if he were female. Don't correct yourself about it.
43 .Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.
44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album.
45. Notice that Lemmy hasn't moved his left hand in 30 years of playing bass.
46. Refer to metal as "that kill-your-father rape-your-mother stuff."
47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.
48. Pine for the good old days when Pour Some Sugar On Me was a big hit.
49. Tell them you used to be a metalhead, but grew out of it when you started listening to more intellectual stuff like (insert any band at all here)
50. Post a list of "Ways To Annoy Metal Fans" knowing full well that so many of them internalize everything and can't take a joke.




Posted by Hyper

Haha, that's actually pretty funny :cool:




Posted by Richaod

Numbers 51-55 shall involve Rush, Motley Crue, Poison, Cinderella and many glam metal bands.

Say that four-bar chords are infinitely more profound than guitar solos.




Posted by TheSecondComing

Some of 'em were lame, but I got a laugh from a few others :)




Posted by Richaod

Someone make up one involving glam/hair metal bands, because I can't think of any. :(

Actually, here's number 51. Say that Eddie Van Halen/Yngwie Malmsteen/John Petrucci/Marty Friedman... whoever.... was no Kurt Cobain. :)




Posted by sabre


Quoting Richaod: Numbers 51-55 shall involve Rush, Motley Crue, Poison, Cinderella and many glam metal bands.
Rush is neither metal nor glam. :/

Funny stuff, I enjoyed that.



Posted by Porcupine

[quote]Numbers 51-55 shall involve Rush, Motley Crue, Poison, Cinderella and many glam metal bands.

51. Go out of your way to call every band by the wrong subgenre.




Posted by Richaod


Quoting Sabredog: Rush is neither metal nor glam. :/


I know, I didn't mean to associate them with the glam bands there.

Calling Rush metal generally appears to offend some, though.



Posted by Hyper


Quoting Richaod: Actually, here's number 51. Say that Eddie Van Halen/Yngwie Malmsteen/John Petrucci/Marty Friedman... whoever.... was no Kurt Cobain. :)


I'd punch someone if they said that to my face, I think. I'm not one to be violent, usually, but that one would really get to me.

52. Use "pretentious" to describe the entire metal genre.



Posted by MetalVox~55

truth




Posted by -Shadow-

Yup, that would annoy me.




Posted by NegativeTrend


Quoting Hyper: 52. Use "pretentious" to describe the entire metal genre.

I only describe "Prog Metal" as pretentious.



Posted by Hyper


Quoting NegativeTrend: I only describe "Prog Metal" as pretentious.

I wasn't referring to anyone in particular. =/



Posted by Shin-Ra

[quote]Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being wiggers.
Haha classic!

53.) Proclaim that Cradle of Filth is the greatest thing that has ever happened to black metal.




Posted by Borealis

haha, grand.




Posted by Porcupine


Quoting Shin-Ra: Haha classic!

53.) Proclaim that Children of Bodom is the greatest thing that has ever happened to black metal.

Fixed it.



Posted by Borealis

Children of Bodom is so much better in comparison to Cradle of Filth, Porcupine.




Posted by Shin-Ra

But they're not black metal. See what Porcupine did there, now?




Posted by MetalVox~55

I'd laugh at them, show them to a guitar, hand it to them, and say "ok, play some metal. and if the first thing you do is drop the low E to a D, i'm going to fail you."




Posted by ZEN

54. When discussing Black Metal, tell them you used to be a big fan of "Living Colour".


(Yeah... I know. I was trying.)




Posted by Shin_Akuma

47 is what i've heard many times, and boy does that annoy me.




Posted by Trigger

[quote=Hyper]I'd punch someone if they said that to my face, I think. I'm not one to be violent, usually, but that one would really get to me.
My thoughts exactly.




Posted by Opeth (clone)

tell them they suck BALLS.




Posted by The Punisher

That has to be the funniest thing ive read all day.. then again its only 9 am. Still awsome.




Posted by MetalVox~55

47. wow, that would **** me off.




Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

Say that a worse guitarist can play a better solo than a good guitarist




Posted by The Punisher

Ask them if phil collins is a black metal band!




Posted by Klarth

47 occurs on a daily basis. I think I gave someone a concussion over that one once.




Posted by Shin_Akuma


Quoting Klarth: 47 occurs on a daily basis. I think I gave someone a concussion over that one once.

I've punched somebody in the face before but I didnt give them a concussion XD. He was babbling on and on about how Slipknot is the greatest in the world and that Joey Jordison is the best drummer ever. I was like...ever heard of Mike Portnoy before? He said no...and I let him hear Honor Thy Father and he said "he sucked" and that if he's so good then why hasnt anyone heard of him. That ended it right there, WAM.



Posted by Klarth

Was this coming from a guy who actually played drums / had a decent grasp of musical terminology? :/




Posted by MetalVox~55


Quoting Klarth: Was this coming from a guy who actually played drums / had a decent grasp of musical terminology? :/

Ooooo, i'd wanna know this too.



Posted by Richaod


Quoting Bj Blaskowitz: Say that a worse guitarist can play a better solo than a better guitarist if the first use of the word "better" is not defined to be superiority based on skill, but on the musical value of the solo and how much it adds to the song itself


As such, Another Day has a better solo than Stream of Consciousness, and John Petrucci is a better guitarist now than he was in 1992. So a worse guitarist can play a better solo than a better guitarist, if the parameters are defined clearly enough.

[quote=Klarth]Was this coming from a guy who actually played drums / had a decent grasp of musical terminology? :/
Do you think someone who understands music would listen to Slipknot anyway? :(

I do actually think their drummer is fairly talented, but saying Honor Thy Father is bad? In any case, TheSecondComing is worse and thinks The Smashing Pumpkins' drummer is better than Mike Portnoy. :(:(:(:(:(:(



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

whatever you say, richoad ;) Like 6 months to re-think your strategy and you still fail




Posted by MetalVox~55


Quoting Bj Blaskowitz: whatever you say, richoad ;) Like 6 months to re-think your strategy and you still fail

***, I love you. Marry me.



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

only if we have it in the holy spaghetti monster's Grand Pasta Plate Cathedral




Posted by Richaod


Quoting Bj Blaskowitz: whatever you say, richoad ;) Like 6 months to re-think your strategy and you still fail


Yes. Because you said so. Stunning use of evidence and analysis there.

If you'd rather spite someone than understand them, then I'd suggest you have less emotional maturity than me.



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

just admit you got pwned




Posted by cool gamer dad

I really wouldn't know how to answer 47.




Posted by Shin_Akuma


Quoting Klarth: Was this coming from a guy who actually played drums / had a decent grasp of musical terminology? :/

He has about as much of a grasp on musical terminology as second coming, that should explain it all.



Posted by Klarth

[quote=Stinger]I really wouldn't know how to answer 47.

"Correction: YOU haven't heard of them."

um?




Posted by Richaod


Quoting Bj Blaskowitz: just admit you got pwned


I'll admit that I worded the phrase pretty badly, to the point where it could be misinterpreted easily. You should admit that you think that the words "can" and "will" have the same meaning.

Oh, and another, simpler example:

Open Your Eyes - Alter Bridge vs. You Not Me - Dream Theater

Clearly, Petrucci > Tremonti, but also clearly, Open Your Eyes > You Not Me



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

you=ed




Posted by TheSecondComing


Quoting Stinger: I really wouldn't know how to answer 47.


Most metal bands liked by people on this forum are quite popular indeed, just not 'international super megastar who gets recognised in Saudi Arabia'. Just quote some album sales figures or chart positions.



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

SHIN-RA CANNOT DENY THE PWNAGE




Posted by Azusa


Quoting TheSecondComing: Just quote some album sales figures or chart positions.


Here's a question. Who is going to remember album sales figures and chart positions off the top of their head? ~.-



Posted by TheSecondComing


Quoting Azusa: Here's a question. Who is going to remember album sales figures and chart positions off the top of their head? ~.-


You only need maybe two as examples you use every time.



Posted by Richaod


Quoting TheSecondComing: Most metal bands liked by people on this forum are quite popular indeed, just not 'international super megastar who gets recognised in Saudi Arabia'. Just quote some album sales figures or chart positions.


Still, it's true that the average person won't have heard of them. The average metalhead, perhaps. Not including anything that Shin-Ra or Dexter listens to. :)

[quote=Bj Blaskowitz]SHIN-RA CANNOT DENY THE PWNAGE
You can't deny anything; you just point and laugh without comment.



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

I can't. . . deny. . . anything??? THAT WAS SO STUPID YOU JUST PWNED YOURSELF!! DOUBLE PWNAGE!!!1111eleventyone




Posted by MetalVox~55

Ryechoad, you're trying too hard, and you're making yourself look stupid.




Posted by Richaod


Quoting Bj Blaskowitz: I can't. . . deny. . . anything??? THAT WAS SO STUPID YOU JUST PWNED YOURSELF!! DOUBLE PWNAGE!!!1111eleventyone

If I'm pwned so often, it shouldn't be so hard for you to point out just how so I can correct my mistake and improve myself, which is clearly a better option than you sitting around being a prick. And is

[quote=Richaod]Open Your Eyes - Alter Bridge vs. You Not Me - Dream Theater

Clearly, Petrucci > Tremonti, but also clearly, Open Your Eyes > You Not Me
not perfectly true?



Posted by Klarth

It's imperfectly true.

In the same way that it's completely false and you're dumb:)




Posted by Shin_Akuma

I know its funny...but come on take it easy on him. So he's said some stupid things in the past, he's clearly got a pretty good musical taste...and he's not that much different from us other metal heads. To Richaod- don't try so hard
to Everybody Else- chill out.




Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

DO NOT DEFEND THE PWNED. PWNAGE LOVES COMPANY, SO I'LL PWN u 2 !!!!




Posted by Xero

this is the pwnage thread right? Or is it the ownage thread?

Anyway: one of my way to annoy a metalhead: Just put classic music on...




Posted by Pit


Quoting Flame ghost: this is the pwnage thread right? Or is it the ownage thread?

Anyway: one of my way to annoy a metalhead: Just put classic music on...


What's wrong with classical music?



Posted by MetalVox~55


Quoting Flame ghost: Anyway: one of my way to annoy a metalhead: Just put classic music on...

Yngwie Malmsteen. Symphony X. Rhapsody. Dream Theater. Nightwish. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Sonata Arctica. Children of Bodom.

All influenced heavily by classical. Annoy us? No sir, we will enjoy it :)



Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

actually, I think a real way to annoy a metalhead is to play anything by Ozzy




Posted by Hyper

I happen to like Crazy Train. :)




Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

I do too, and I like. . . about 2 other ozzy songs, those being no more tears and shot in the dark, but the majority of metalheads (I've met) loathe Ozzy's solo career and all that came of it.




Posted by MetalVox~55


Quoting Bj Blaskowitz: the majority of metalheads (I've met) loathe Ozzy's solo career and all that came of it.

Ozzy can die. Randy was his only saving grace.



Posted by Klarth


Quoting MetalVox~55: Yngwie Malmsteen. Symphony X. Rhapsody. Dream Theater. Nightwish. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Sonata Arctica. Children of Bodom.

forget not Therion and Agalloch.



Posted by Vampiro V. Empire


Quoted post: forget not Therion and Agalloch.


And every other metal band that uses orchestric elements.



Posted by Fei-on Castor

[quote=Opeth]47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.
In my case, that's not true.

I'd guess that most of you have heard of Metallica.

Sure, I like a lot of non-mainstream stuff, but I'll always like Metallia more.




Posted by Hyper

That's too bad.




Posted by TheSecondComing

For me, early Metallica is definitely > all the non-mainstream progressive/melodic/thrash/death/black/folk/viking/sausage types of metal that is generally preferred on these forums.




Posted by Fei-on Castor


Quoting TheSecondComing: For me, early Metallica is definitely > all the non-mainstream progressive/melodic/thrash/death/black/folk/viking/sausage types of metal that is generally preferred on these forums.

Ex-freaking-actly

I've heard a lot of non-mainstream, or "sidestream" metal stuff, and honestly, Metallica (Kill 'em All - Black Album) was just way better.



Posted by Xero


Quoting MetalVox~55:
All influenced heavily by classical. Annoy us? No sir, we will enjoy it :)


Alright then...I have no other way to annoy a metal head. Anyway, its pretty hard to annoy them.



Posted by Vampiro V. Empire


Quoted post: For me, early Metallica is definitely > all the non-mainstream progressive/melodic/thrash/death/black/folk/viking/sausage types of metal that is generally preferred on these forums.


I think you found my number 51.

Though, I'm laughing more than I am annoyed.



Posted by Pit

lol people like metallica




Posted by TheSecondComing


Quoting Vampiro: I think you found my number 51.

Though, I'm laughing more than I am annoyed.


An opinion annoys you?

Or maybe it's my confusion surrounding the numerous (and in my book, often unneccessary) genres.



Posted by Skitzo Control

Led Zeppelin is the greatest metal band of all time.[spoiler]I sure hope that annoys you metalheads![/spoiler]




Posted by Xero


Quoting Skitzo Control: Led Zeppelin is the greatest metal band of all time.[spoiler]I sure hope that annoys you metalheads![/spoiler]


I think its equal to metallica actually. these bands both do great metal music ;)



Posted by MetalVox~55


Quoting Flame ghost: I think its equal to metallica actually. these bands both do great metal music ;)

But, Metallica isn't metal anymore :confused:



Posted by Xero

Oh is this true? I have 3 of their CDs (master of puppets, entersandman and ride the lightning) And they all sounded metal ,but they also made them in the 70's and 80's so maybe they changed their style today. I dint listen to
"Some kind of monster" yet :(




Posted by MetalVox~55


Quoting Flame ghost: Oh is this true? I have 3 of their CDs (master of puppets, entersandman and ride the lightning)

WTF?!!!

ENTER SANDMAN IS NOT THE NAME OF THAT CD. GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS THREAD/SUB-FORUM/FORUM/INTERNET!



Posted by Pit


Quoting MetalVox~55: WTF?!!!

ENTER SANDMAN IS NOT THE NAME OF THAT CD. GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS THREAD/SUB-FORUM/FORUM/INTERNET!


Pit agrees!



Posted by Xero


Quoting MetalVox~55: WTF?!!!

ENTER SANDMAN IS NOT THE NAME OF THAT CD. GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS THREAD/SUB-FORUM/FORUM/INTERNET!


I know its not the name, but the cover of the CD is completly black, the little side sais Elektra and the back the name of the songs. I gave the CD a name myself, cuz I couldn't find it. Sry if that offended you.



Posted by sabre

That'd be "The Black Album."




Posted by Xero

Thanx sabredog. Now I know it. Sry metal vox. Hope I dint give you a hard attack for my ignorance :(




Posted by Bj Blaskowitz

you're forgiven because you're foreign




Posted by Xero

ah...thanx...back on topic...anybody else has a way?




Posted by Hyper

I do!

Post under the username Flame ghost and make failed attempts at annoying metalheads, because they're already annoyed enough just by your existence.




Posted by Trigger

You can't talk, Hyper...




Posted by Richaod


Quoting Sabredog: That'd be "The Black Album."


It's actually just self-titled.

Picky, aren't I?



Posted by Trigger

I believe Sabredog chose to use the widely-known term "The Black Album" because more people are likely to recognise the album with that name than they are to recognise it as the self-titled "Metallica". Not to mention that in the context Sabredog had said it, "Metallica" could have potentially come out in a confusing way for someone who knew very little about the album in question.

Picky, aren't I?




Posted by Richaod

Well, he isn't much of a Metallica fan, so there's always a possibility that he might not even know.

Context is changeable.

Oh, and that's not picky, that's conflictual. Is that a word?




Posted by TheUnforgivenII

44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album.

lolol