No, I don't have a story to tell. You do, but I'll tell it.
Give me something to do. Write a story here, it doesn't matter how short or stupid, and I'll record myself reading it, probably in some stupid voice with semi-appropriate music in the background. I'll do my best to make it actually good (despite the content of the story), so make yourself laugh.
Not that I expect ANYONE to do it, but it's worth a shot.
Once upon a Wacko time...
oh...
i'll just post my ecoli poop story. ONE SEC. Hold up.
alright, so my dad and I do home inspections, so we're always on the road or at some other people's houses on the weekdays. anyway, it's happened to me twice. I think I gots me some ecoli. and after an achy stomach and some danger farts, it hits me: "yep, i gotta go". But it's so sudden and strong that I'm standing on the front lawn motionless trying to suck it back in in time to run to the glove box and get some napkins (there was no toilet paper in the bathroom as it was a bank-owned property). So I finally do and waddle over and grab some, and start heading towards the door. And surprise surprise, I'm locked out.
So just as I'm considering heading for the bushes to take a nasty liquified dump my dad comes to the door and he's all 'wtf where u been I need you to help me out'. After painfully explaining the situation he nods. He knows what I must do. As I stumble up the stairs to the bathroom (the clients were downstairs, so I decided to go upstairs for this one), I start to feel it dripping down my sweaty buttcheeks from holding it in for so long outside on a savory summer afternoon.
I enter the bathroom and immediately turn on the faucet and shower to drown out any noise I may make, appearing as if I'm testing the equipment. When in reality the only equipment I would be testing is their sweet, sweet crapper. Anyway, I let the demon loose from it's intestinal chamber...
It was ****ing brutal. You know those ****s that sound like nasty wet farts? Well yeah, there it was to behold. Splashing back up at me like a monstrous torrential rain. I couldn't help but look down at it with an astonished gaze. I was the champion, king of ecoli. poops.
Dear Nintendo:
YOUR COCKSUCKING PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY ****ING GRIEF IT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.
Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my **** in handfuls at the ****ing television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PRODUCT - but instead the **** thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm ****s in my gaping mouth. Swear to ***, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA or testers or whatever brainless ****stove three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single ****ing digit IQ could enjoy Story Mode Chapter 7. INSULTED.
WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand ****ing prix; not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single ****ing advantage possible TO THE GAME rather than me.
How in the **** does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of **** next to the Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO ****ING GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this ****head anywhere near the top ****ing 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST FAGGOT IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE ****ING FUTURE.
But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire ****ing lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU. AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.
But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of **** hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than four ****ing boosts! Add to this the entire course just got ****ted on by some retarded space tiki volacano *** and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.
HURRR, you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Well **** that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced ****furter.
Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge ****ing kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the ******* game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.
It's not any fun if I can't win, you faggots. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of **** clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get ****ed off with that too. When your game prevents me from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your ****ing mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and ****ing DIE DIE DIE.
what's all that about?
hate f-zero
you know what I came across the other day? That email with the 18 chapters from your book.
there was once a time when the creatures of the earth were at peace, but, inevitably, that time came to a close. the close was abrupt, violent and dismal; not to mention somewhat arousing.
in the time known as the before-climax, the planet was in a state of transient frustration. its denizens sat on the precipice between effort and pleasure for many days, eagerly awaiting the time of after-climax. those who voiced their concern for the state of the world came in many different shapes and sizes; a multitude of voices cried out, rallying against nobody in particular (for there was no governmental hierarchy, nor any supreme power, in this apocryphal world), begging for an end to the toil they had been for so long enduring.
one day, that end came.
in a great white deluge, the time of after-climax was viscously brought upon the earth. the population surrendered its doubts to the warm, gelatinous joy all experienced simultaneously. all the earth's fears melted away in the brilliant, sweeping tides of pure fluid joy.
this worldwide celebration was short-lived, however, as moments later a great spun paper blanket descended from the heavens, leaving what was left of the great slimy joy riven in twain, and singlehandedly erasing the lives of countless innocent men, women and children forever.
Cat's Story: http://www.sendspace.com/file/8bne65
X's Story: http://www.sendspace.com/file/gswaoc
Netman's Story: http://www.sendspace.com/file/3gi2x7
I'm too ****ing lazy to add music. Enjoy my terrible voice impressions and realize that making a decent recording of a reading is harder than you'd think.
..that was ****ing beautiful
holy ****
i'll have fun with this later
I enjoyed those, especially the F-Zero GX one.
I don't get a story? Make something up and do it for me.
Man, I wish I still had Mary's Little Secret floating around somewhere.
you did a new york jew for the f-zero one? semi-appropriate.
i think he was going for the nasally angry nerd voice
mad props though, gonna listen to these on mah pod tomorrow
haha, those were awesome. Makes me wanna do one.
[IMG]http://www.vgchat.com/images/icons/icon14.gif[/IMG]
Unable to rep.
hahahaha, that was hilarious los. Judge, you better do that one.
Glad we have vastly different opinions about what's funny. Regardless, yes, I'll do it, I just can't figure out which voice to use. Give me time.
ye olde wise man voice
Sorry I'm late to the party. Good stuff! I'll try to give a listen with the ol' aural inputs tonight. As far as music is concerned, say no more, I'm on it...
so i just listened to the x's story.
ITS JIGGAWATTS, FAGNUT.
Beggars don't get to be choosers. You want s[COLOR="black"][COLOR="black"]hi[/COLOR][/COLOR]t pronounced right, you read it your f[COLOR="black"]u[/COLOR]cking self.
Okay, so I did some music for Cats' story and the following happened:
I recently rebuilt my machine and the program I use to convert wav's to mp3's no longer works. It's Dell Musicmatch Jukebox and I think it either came with the machine (bought new in 2002) or purchased it online shortly thereafter. The app is in the reconstructed Program Files folder but when I click it nothing happens. Advice? Thanks, and Cheers, J
reinstall or just download a free converter
I shall do so this evening, or at least get frustrated trying. I would have done it last night, but I ended up taking some friends up to a local Outback to try out the 2010 menu (test location). Sorry to be such a shill, but **** me there is some good stuff on there! I loves me some shrimp en fuego. It makes up for a lot of things that are wrong with the world.
wtf is the 2010 menu? some secret test **** or something?
Sounds like a future menu they're testing out on customers to gauge their reaction.
outback sucks
i never ate there much, but i'll be *******ed if i'll let you talk **** about the various iterations fo exploded onions.
BLOOMIN' ONION YOU ****FACE
exploded onions. typical ****ing americasn.
typical matt miller*
Ha! Funny stuff.
Some of my friends from Oz visited and we took them to an Outback. They were quite keen to point out the many many things that have nothing to do with Australia, namely, eating an enlarged deep fried onion, and drinking Foster's!!! That's the panther urine they export for everyone else to consume!
Another fun fact - OB locations in AUS had to change the name of their appetizer "Kookaburra Wings" after realizing people were offended by having their national bird on the menu! Imagine (for USA citizens anyway) going to an American-themed restaurant in the USA owned by Australians that had "bald eagle wings" on the menu - not too appropriate, is it? It makes me raff.
Let me know if this works. This is just a test run with a stupid piano improv and a lousy overcompressed mix, but if it works, I'll get to work on some better stuff. Comments, thoughts, and snide remarks please!
https: "two of them slash things" www "dizot" yousendit "dizot" com "then a slash" download "then a slash" bVlCanZrQXBveE5jR0E9PQ
audio was a bit quiet, url was a bit silly
for those who dont feel liek reconstructing it
https://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=batch_download&batch_id=bVlCanZrQXBveE5jR0E9PQ
Haha, awesome. MM.
Uh, I didnt do anything, hes the one that did the music.
Well good job on the music, anyway.[IMG]http://www.vgchat.com/images/icons/icon10.gif[/IMG]
yeah, it had me loling all over again
oh ant baby u got me all caught up in the game
you are so tame...
yet so fierce like a lion
i ain' even lyin'
you are the one for me
baby
Haha, that was pretty good actually.
That was great. I didn't listen to the original, but that one made me lol.
THATS MAH BOI
www dot yousendit dot com slash download slash Y2ovV285Q1JnYU5jR0E9PQ
sorry, it won't let me post as a url
best listened to with headphones, or speakers that can handle da bass
http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=batch_download&batch_id=Y2ovV285Q1JnYU5jR0E9PQ
probably something to do with jesse's antinub measures
to clarify: you need a subwoofer for this lol