The War of Souls




Posted by Ziggy R

As I said in my introduction, to those that read it, this is the small story I'm working on. kind of a fan fic, though I don't know what it's a fan fic of.

I hope you wont mind if I post up bits and pieces. It's a progressing one, and I'd like some opinions on the chapters before I continue...


Quoted post: The War of souls.

Intro... or prolouge, whatever the hell you call it.

The day was darkened with black clouds as it started raining. Blood stained the ground, and there were many bodies everywhere, some dead and lifeless, others baldy wounded. A figure was on a horse, close to the battlefield, it's sword stained with blood. As one of it's soldiers finished off one of the wounded, it rode off into the distance. This was a great loss to Jaridria, and the entire earth has not been the same since. This was the final battle of a great war, called "The War of Souls."

Many years have past since the "Great Battle," and remnents of Jaridria have managed to flee and take refuge far away. Guarded by a natural mountain chain, they set up a small vilage, which has eventualy grown into a large city, called Laridia. However, many rumors have spread. Some say the dark forces are still lurking there, awaiting thier next orders and killing anything that ventures near them, others say the blood from the fallen can still be seen around the many battlefields, and it is heard that there were many highly valuable treasures left behind, and the weather was alsways cloudy and dark.

The rumours have, of course, caused many to cross the mountain range, for whatever reason, only to never return.

Then one day, a curious young boy named Felix decided he would venture that way. He relized the past mistakes made from the other people; they went alone. He trained himself in the art of swordplay for many years, and seeked allies to travel with him...

Would any one be brave enough to travel with him? Only time, which flowed much like the river that it is, could tell...


A little note here. This takes place in medevilish times, as, for some reason, helps me think better...

And I know there is a few spelling errors. as I said, it's progressing.

I post this so you can give your opinion, which I already look foreward to seeing.



Posted by Shade

NIT PICKING

[quote]The day was darkened with black clouds as it started raining. Blood stained the ground, and there were bodies everywhere (many bodies everywhere was kind of redundant). Some dead and lifeless (redundant), others badly wounded. A horse-backed figure was close to the battlefield, its sword stained with blood. As one of its soldiers finished off one of the wounded, it rode off into the distance. This was a great loss to Jaridria, and the entire world (Earth is the name of our specific planet, not a general term. I'm assuming this doesn't take place on Earth) has not been the same since. This was the final battle of a great war, "The War of Souls."

Many years have passed (not past) since the "Great Battle," and remnants of Jaridria populace have managed to flee and take refuge far away. Guarded by a mountain chain (a mountain chain is a natural barrier. saying "a natural mountain chain" is implying that the world contains unnatural mountain chains), they set up a small vilage which eventually grew into a large city, Laridia (keeping continuity with the tense is important!). However, rumours have begun to spread. Some say the dark forces are still lurking there, awaiting thier next orders and killing anything that ventures near them. Others say the blood from the fallen can still be seen around the battlefields, and it is said (it is heard? that's odd way of putting it) that there were many highly valuable treasures left behind (this part about the treasures doesn't really fit with the rest), and the weather was always cloudy and dark.

The rumours have, of course, caused many to cross the mountain range, for whatever reason, only to never return.

Then one day, a curious young boy named Felix decided he would venture that way. He realized the key mistake (singular) made by the other people; they went alone. He trained himself in the art of swordplay for many years, and sought (seeked is not a word) allies to travel with him...

Would any one be brave enough to travel with him? Only time, which flowed much like the river that it is, could tell...

You really like to use the word "many", don't you? Use a synonym once in a while or omit it altogether.




Posted by Ziggy R

-.- I don't get it, how's that supposed to help?




Posted by Shade

How does correcting errors NOT help?

I can't honestly give an opinion of the story itself yet because I haven't read enough of it to judge. :cookie: It seems somewhat intriguing, though!




Posted by Ziggy R

"it's" would be proper grammer, would it not?

Anyway, I'm more worried on the story line...

see? You think it's "intriging." try actualy reading it.

I posted this up so people could give thier oppinion on the STORY, not the grammer. I relize I'm not the best in my english class.




Posted by S

Grammar and spelling are extremely important aspects of your writing. If you're unable to communicate effectively, the plot line of your story won't matter at all.

Also, Shade is right about the word placement. Use a thesaurus or something of the sort if you're having trouble; but the repetition of certain sounds over and over becomes boring and noticeable. The wider your array of verbiage, the better off you are.

The story itself isn't really apparent enough. Thus far, everything you've said was a statement or "as a matter of fact", rather than telling a story. It's not like a video game where you're immediately immersed into the world, you need to immerse the reader in the scene. For instance the section with the warrior; you could have described him a little more thoroughly or his actions. That just seemed like an escaping glance with very rigid sentence structure. Believe me when I say this: The ability to articulate and the strength of your word will be what defines your story.




Posted by Ziggy R

...

I'm not to sure what exacly you said. This is only the prolouge of my first story ever...




Posted by Shade


Quoting Ziggy R:
see? You think it's "intriging." try actualy reading it.

I posted this up so people could give thier oppinion on the STORY, not the grammer. I relize I'm not the best in my english class.


The point I was making was that you haven't posted enough of it yet to make an opinion of it! You've given us the basic premise, there isn't much story to go off of yet. And yeah, I did read it. I would have thought that apparent.

Seriously, stop getting so defensive. If this is how you take help, then I'd hate to see how to you take a negative comment.



Posted by Omni

[quote]Then one day, a curious young boy named Felix decided he would venture that way. He relized the past mistakes made from the other people; they went alone. He trained himself in the art of swordplay for many years, and seeked allies to travel with him...

I doubt some young boy would go it alone and train himself as a swordfighter. If someone else found him and trained him after he went off alone, his back story would be much more interesting and wouldn't sound so terrible. Make it work. I'm trying not to be overly negative, but that part screamed at me.

Also, I'm gonna agree with the other guys. Work on your grammar, spelling and the use of a varied vocabulary. Any storyline and underlying themes will be obscured by your inability to properly communicate your ideas.




Posted by Omni

Oh, and it would also help if you didn't rip off titles of story arcs from Dragonlance as the title of your story. I just noticed that.




Posted by Ziggy R

Never even heard of it. I thought the name was origional :/