Rough Draft Essay

I have this English essay that's due tommorow. Today we had random classmates revise our rough drafts. The problem is whoever revised mine is a ******* and didn't do a **** thing, so here I am stuck with a rough draft with no corrections/comments.

It's a persuassive essay, and I chose the topic "Violence in Video Games." So far this is what I have:

[Ian Maltbey
Composition 11
Ms. Bork
October 3, 2007

Doug Lowenstein of the ESA believes “[i]t’s not up to any industry or the government to set standards for what kids see or do; that is the role of parents” (Calvert and Richards 155); Though not everyone agrees. Some would argue that studies have shown that video games are linked to violence, but these studies are often misleading or inconclusive. Positive applications for video games are almost always overlooked. Recently many laws have been passed to limit the sales of video games, most of which were later found unconstitutional. Video games are not harmful.

Do people who play video games make better workers? According to one study gamers are better at risk management, and are better at working as a team than non-gamers (Beck and Wade). The same study found that 80% of managers who are under the age of 35 have significant video game experience. Another finding found that action-based games sharpen visual acuity (Green and Bavelier). “The success of [video games] demonstrates that games can teach higher order thinking skills such as strategic thinking, interpretative analysis, problem solving, plan formulation and execution, and adaptation to rapid chance,” claims the Federation of American Scientists ([url]www.theesa.com)[/url].

Many times it is parents who lead the assault on video games ([url]www.MAVAV.org)[/url]. Organizations such as MAVAV often use exaggerations or other misleading methods of distributing information. Other times it seems like these organizations lack actual knowledge on the subject. One such case on MAVAV’s web page is where the group compares guilds, online groups of players, to gangs. Gamers, on the other hand, think of guilds in a completely different light. According to Blizzard Entertainment guilds are groups of players who work together to achieve a common goal ([url]www.worldofwarcraft.com)[/url]. MAVAV also satires Wendy’s ad campaign involving the new Nintendo Wii. The bulk of MAVAV’s article involves Manhunt 2, a violent game coming to the Wii; This is despite the fact that Wendy’s campaign will not be involving Manhunt 2 in any way (Megaton). Doom is a game famous for being blamed for school shootings; Yet in the ten years following the release of Doom juvenile arrests related to homicide fell by 77% (Steinheimer 13). After reading various studies of violence in video games Steinheimer concludes that “such studies do not demonstrate that media violence causes aggressive behavior… Poverty, neighborhood instability, unemployment, and even family violence [aren‘t considered] in most of these studies.”

In 2005 laws were passed by the states of Illinois, Michigan, and California to limit the sales of violent video games to minors (Calvert and Richards 80). These laws were met with public outrage, and were later removed because they violated the first amendment (82). Governors Schwarzenegger, Blagojevich, and Granholm have all vowed to not give up on restricting the sales of violent video games. As a result of his unconstitutional bill Governor Schwarzenegger now owes the video game industry $320,000 in legal fees ([url]www.theesa.com)[/url].

Video games are not harmful. Research has yielded positive results for those who play video games, both medical and otherwise. Many of those who have taken charge against video games often use faulty logic or assumptions to make claims against the games and those who create them. The government has made a recent assault on video games, which proved to be unconstitutional and immoral.]

I can't help but notice it seems lacking in certain areas. Also the thesis statement seems too short/tacky.

And here is a copy of my Works Cited page:



Beck, John C. and Wade, Mitchell. "Our Research." the kids are alright. 3 Oct 2007

Calvert, Clay and Richards, Robert D. "Precedent be ****ed - It's all about Good Politics & Sensational Soundbites: The Video Game Censorship Saga of 2005." 9/29/2006 77. 10/03/07

Green, C.S. and Bavelier, D. "Games and Health." Third Party Research. The ESA. 3 Oct 2007 .

"Guilds." World of Warcraft. 2007. Blizzard Entertainment. 3 Oct 2007 .

Hewitt, Dan. "California Owes Video Game Industry." The ESA. The Entertainment Software Association. 3 Oct 2007 .

Megaton. "Wendy's Wii Toys." On Nintendo. 3 Oct 2007. OnNintendo.com. 3 Oct 2007 .

Sternheimer, Karen. "Do Video Games Kill?." Winter 2007. University of California. 3 Oct 2007 .

"Video Game Addiction and Violence in Underground Video Game Cultures." Mothers Against Videogame Addiction And Violence. MAVAV. 3 Oct 2007 .

Well done, well done. But it seems that the line on the first paragraph- "Video games are not harmful."- is a bit biased, don't you think? It always struck me that essays should be written with an open mind, especially one on a subject like this. :)

The paper is a persuassive essay, I'm supposed to make it biased.

Eh, sorry. I am home-schooled, so essays are just essays to me. :)

An unbiased persuassive essay would not only be un persuassive, but confusing as to the author's opinion.

As for the rough draft, you need a stronger thesis statment at the begining that tells us what the paper is trying to suggest. Combine the last two sentences of your first paragraph and forumulate a thesis there since that seems to be what you were going for.

Thanks, I'll do that.

your points are good, but style is lacking. look at how many times you used the verb "are". This is very weak, use more active verbs. Also, combine sentences more, you seem to have a lot of choppy sentences which dont flow. Also, you should vary your sentence structure more.

Overall, its not that bad. But it is too passive, and that makes your argument not as strong/convincing.

Don't use passive voice.

http://projects.uwc.utexas.edu/virgil/?q=node/209

Thanks for the advice, but the paper was due this morning. =P

Just an uneducated guess but they probably dont want to fall on the jagged, pointy rocks and get effed up?