Alright, it's emo so if you don't like it leave. Plus its my first so it should suck anyway.
A broken heart
A fallen tear
Why does it start
When you get near
A shattered glass
A rainy day
You only pass
And look away
Just take a breath
Forget the lies
But I see death
When I meet your eyes
I think I'll rest
Right here in bed
Though I think its best
To take pills instead
I only need
One thing that's true
But I only bleed
From not having you
I start to cry
And reach for a knife
I wish to die
And to take my life
I start on my wrist
Leaving cuts here and there
I clench my fist
As my skin tears
It's late in the night
And I try to sleep
But I see a light
I think I when to deep
Tears stain my eyes
Sparkling blue
As I realize
I'll never again see you
I lay my head down
Feeling so cold
I don't make a sound
As I lay, feeling old
I close my eyes
Losing my sight
Quiet, He cries
That light has turned bright
I start to get hot
I scream out in pain
The cuts that I got
Drip down like the rain
A broken heart
A fallen tear
Why does it start
When you get near...?
Okay, besides "it sucks!" "go **** yourself emo kid!" "go kill yourself!" what do you think?
I really do like this. . . at first. First of all, I commend you for making a rhyming poem. People are so prone to crap out prose because, frankly, it's easy. Additionally, it's impressive because of the shortness of the lines. I, personally, have a tendency to overdo it, thus makign it nearly impossible to write short, even lines.
that's what I like about it, is it rhymes and it keeps its meter. In some places it seems the # of syllables gets out of whack, which is a personal tick of mine but it's perfectly fine.
The most powerful portion of your poem is from the beginning and honestly ends after "I meet your eyes".
the problem is that you change gears. YOu go from having symbolisms and vague references to emotions and sadness to describing right-out your feelings and your sadness and acting upon them. While this is something that CAN be done, too abrupt a transition divides your poem into segments where these transitions are incohesive and don't flow. Basically, you go from avoiding directly speaking about emotions (a la vague, yet beautiful references to glass, death, tears, etc) to directly saying "I am sad. I hurt so much. Etc."
the important part about this poem is that it is marvelous for a rookie swing. I'm not saying it sucks, far from it. It has rhyme and emotion and POTENTIAL. You won't scribble the next great thing, and expect criticisms about how much you "suck". Take it from me, 90% of people who write are terrible at it. Seriously ****-ing awful. But in this poem I can see a great deal of potential if you do a few things with it. Try to rewrite this and not be so direct. Make us know you're killing yourself without telling us. Use symbols and describe things that aren't necessarily direct action. Use smells, shadows, hues of color, etc. If I were you, I'd erase all but the first 3 groups and the last group and start over from there. I mean, my opinion is obviously mine own, but I seriously hate it when people tell me what's going on and don't let me figure it out on my own. I know if I were slitting my own wrists, I wouldn't be focusing on the pain. I'd be thinking about a girl. I'd be thinking about the hole I'll leave. I'll be thinking about how pretty this or that picture was, or that movie, or hell, I dunno. I wouldn't be thinking about "oh man, my wrists sure hurt." You're past the point of caring by then, right?
I give it a 6.5, with a star for effort, and encourage you to keep writing. This is stellar for a first time.
edit: ANd you said "I when to deep". Grammar is important.
Wow, that was great. Not all emo s bad, by the way; after all, isn't emo supposed to be "emotional"? This poem showed a lot of that, for sure. Good job, a tad drawn out. 7/10
Oh, wow. Thanks guys. ^_^
I'll try to re-write it, but it took awhile so it might take awhile again. Oh and that little part was a typo, lol.
That was awful; go away
are you DYING INSIDE????
Is this poem about Ant or what?
Creative Skill level: -1
No, it's not about Ant. It's about my "made up" friends. I told you, if you don't like it, leave. Say what needs to be fixed or whatever and go on with your lives.
I start to cry
And reach for a knife
I wish to die
And to take my life
Whatever happened to no double posting? And they aren't imaginary. You guys just don't believe me when I say I have friends.
you don't have friends and you never will
peons follow rules. i don't. i'm too awesome.
a blanket of hatred covers my eyes, broken vessels leaking lost love and sorrow
a fleece of fire, all mine anguish falls before me in a pool of unforgiving lament
nothing more i wish than to dwindle into oblivion
with the deceased i wish to walk
forever lost; death's door emanates a hollow knock
DID SOMEONE SAY OBLIVION?
man, that game was good
[COLOR=Magenta]drama so thick it cannot be cut with any knife. My wrists however I can indeed slash!
Go give me one so I can do something rash!
*emo tearz*
* slash slash*[/COLOR]
cower not from the rebuke of the mediocre minds
[quote]I start to cry
And reach for a knife
I wish to die
And to take my life
I start on my wrist
Leaving cuts here and there
I clench my fist
As my skin tears
Good lord. Never pick up a writing utensil ever again.
Could have been typed. :3
Woah guys, don't get mad over some teenage poetry.
...losers...
So, you don't like it. I get it. Now leave me alone. I've had a bad week I don't need this **** from you guys too.
Don't post your writing if you can't take criticism.
I'd like to point out that S
I can take criticism! Telling me to go kill myself is NOT criticism! Tell me whats wrong! Not to kill myself!!!
Try saying something nice to me for a change....
...loser...
[QUOTE=Omni;754305]I'd like to point out that S
[QUOTE=S
"kill yourself" is apt criticism. constructive too!
Like, "you're so bad the only way to possibly make it any better is to kill yourself."
Guys -- just give up on her. No matter what we say is going to all of a sudden make her understand anything.
Just note this -- [LIST]
[*]You can not write well at all.
[/LIST]
[LIST]
[*]You fail at any good potential rhyming.
[/LIST]
[LIST]
[*]Your vocabulary level rivals a ten year-old.
[/LIST]
[LIST]
[*]Your best option is to read some books, read other (Dare I say listen to some other things) material, and try to develop a certain 'My Own Style'.
[/LIST]
...Then post something you've written. Realize your weakness [which are a lot] then work on 'em.
i love your poem..very much..your so good in writing i wish i have the talent like yours..
but i notice that its sad and heart breaking..hehe
THREAD NECROMANCY
Here's BJ anxiously awaiting "MY WRISTS CUT... PT 2" : )
alright man, I'll do this just once, but only for you
THIS TERRIBLE KNIFE
this terrible knife
cuts through my blood
and releases life
like a terrible flood
a flood with victims
ages ranging young to old
the deaths in my mind
are like silver and gold
proton exchange
a miracle of modern science
is only a part of
future omniscience
my life
is real-
-ly bad so
I wrote this;
I'm mad
the end
Undying hearts grow cold, Eric.
[SIZE=2]Check this **** out, I can write poems too:
[/SIZE] [SIZE=2][B]------------------------------------------
My first Goth poem..
------------------------------------------[/SIZE][/B]
[INDENT][SIZE=2]"I didn't get a discount at HotTopic..
boohoo..
sniffle.. "
-end.
[/SIZE][/INDENT][SIZE=2][B]------------------------------------------
And now onto my first Emo poem..
------------------------------------------[/SIZE][/B]
[INDENT][SIZE=2]"They didn't have my favorite brand
of peanut butter in stock, the other
day at FoodLion.
So I went home and bled my wares
away within my tub.. "
*sob sob*
-end.[/SIZE][/INDENT]
[quote=Slade;952158]Here's BJ anxiously awaiting "MY WRISTS CUT... PT 2" : )
alright man, I'll do this just once, but only for you
THIS TERRIBLE KNIFE
this terrible knife
cuts through my blood
and releases life
like a terrible flood
a flood with victims
ages ranging young to old
the deaths in my mind
are like silver and gold
proton exchange
a miracle of modern science
is only a part of
future omniscience
my life
is real-
-ly bad so
I wrote this;
I'm mad
the end
Hahaha.. dickhole. :cool:
Through broken teeth and twisted spines, fitted with dirty foul grins and seedy swollen lies.. they betray!
-being more metalcore than metalcore since 198*..