Here's the first chapter of the remake of the Blank Page that Wally and I are writing. Sorry, it took so long, Wally.
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The Blank Page REDO: Chapter 1 - Start Something
-- Vecks’ Gummi Ship: The Bridge --
Aurie stood behind her friend, Vecks, as he piloted his Gummi Ship. As usual, she was wearing what she considered to be her “White Mage garb“: a short, icy blue tank top with white straps, a pair of glowing, blue bracelets, a long, white skirt with icy blue trim, and, most importantly, her necklace. She wrapped her fingers around her necklace and twirled it around. Her mother had given her that necklace on her birthday, right before she had died. Back then, Aurie couldn’t do anything as her family laid dying next to her; she was just a scared, helpless little girl. That’s why she decided to become a White Mage; so she could save people. Sure, she was a hell of a weak White Mage at the moment, but she would get better as time progressed and she practiced more. “So Vecks, where are we going…?” she asked. “To liberate other worlds from his control,” he replied. Their home world was one of several worlds under the control of a tyrannical ruler, whose name nobody knew. The ruler mainly kept his power because of his control over strange, shadowy creatures called “heartless”, but about two weeks prior to this story, he had begun using powerful minions who claimed to be the Guardians of Atlantis to keep his power. Yesterday, though, Aurie had somehow convinced everyone in their hometown to rebel against his minion that claimed to be the Atlantic Guardian of Ice named Koori. Of course, Koori had been a strong fighter, and they had lost many people during the course of the battle, but they had still won. When they defeated Koori, she had reverted into an amulet with an icicle charm on it; Aurie wore the amulet wrapped around her arm like a bracelet to remind her of the battle. Ever since she began wearing it, she started to stop feeling cold, and, according to Vecks, her body temperature was slightly below a person’s normal body temperature. After the dead were buried and repairs were made to several broken buildings, Aurie insisted that the entire fighting force that had freed their world from Koori go to other worlds on Vecks’ Gummi Ship, but all of them refused; all that mattered to them was that they had managed to save their world; so what if other worlds were still under His control…? Despite this, she had still managed to get her friends Vecks and Anara to come with her to liberate the other worlds. “Yes, I know that, Vecks. What I meant was: which world are we going to…?” “I don’t know; I haven’t built a world identification system yet.” Aurie sighed, “Alright then.”
-- Halkis: Shrine of the Guardians --
“Come on, guys!” Angela yelled from the bottom of the staircase. She and her boyfriend, Mateo, were showing their new friend, Eiyuu, the Shrine of Guardians. They had found Eiyuu merely a few days ago, battered and bruised; he claimed to have come from a destroyed world, and that he was the only survivor. “Alright, alright,” Mateo said as he came down the steps. His messy, black hair was sticking out at all ends and his goggles were crooked around his neck along with his amulet with the charm of a black blob on it; he looked like he had just gotten out of bed. Angela was almost the exact opposite. Her long, brown hair was held neatly in a braid that ran down her back, and her own amulet, one with a green, leaf-shaped charm, fell neatly on her chest. Eiyuu followed Mateo down the stairs, “So what are you guys showing me again?” “The Shrine of Guardians,” Angela said. “It’s where we keep the amulets that contain the spirits of the Guardians of Atlantis; we haven’t been down here in awhile, though.” “If you keep them down here, then why are two of them around your necks…?” “I’m the reincarnation of Furigana, the Guardian of Earth, and Mateo is the reincarnation of Septero, the Guardian of Darkness. Duh.” “Riiight.” The trio walked down a short hallway, eventually coming to a pair of huge, double doors that reached up to the Shrine’s ridiculously tall ceilings. The leftmost door was decorated with carvings of each of the male Atlantic Guardians. Septero, draped in his dark, shadowy robes, stood the farthest to the right, set a little apart from the rest of the Guardians with his arm outstretched to the other door. The other door was decorated with carvings of each of the female Atlantic Guardians. Hikari, the Guardian of Light, stood the farthest to the left, dressed in a shining, white dress with her long, blonde hair flowing over her shoulders. She, like Septero, had her hand outstretched to the opposite door. Since the two doors were closed, it looked like Septero and Hikari were touching their hands together. “So how do we get in…?” Eiyuu asked. Angela rolled her eyes, “Always with the questions.” She walked up to the middle of the two doors and placed her hand where Septero and Hikari’s hands met. Nothing happened. “Nothing’s happening,” Eiyuu said. Mateo glared at him, “Just shut up and be patient.” The two doors glowed green, and they opened.
-- Vecks’ Gummi Ship: Anara’s Room --
Anara sat on her bed, clothed in a yellow bikini top, a khaki miniskirt, and a sickly green bandana. People often questioned the way she dressed; they called her “slut” and “hoar” despite the fact that she had never kissed a boy or girl in her entire life. Sure, she had crushed on all of her friends, both the male ones and the female ones, at certain points in her life, but she had never kissed any of them before. Anara just dressed the way that she did because she felt comfortable in those revealing clothes of hers, and she, for some disturbing reason, enjoyed when people stared at her. Anara fell backwards onto her bed, her arms spread wide apart and sighed; this bed was so much more comfortable than the one that she had at home. She rolled over onto her side and grabbed her pair of daggers from the nightstand next to her. She had made the weapons herself, and they had never failed her; they always managed to slice whatever she wanted it to slice; they always obeyed her. Whenever someone else wielded them, though, things always seemed to go wrong. Many people believed the daggers to be enchanted, despite the fact that Vecks and many other mages had examined them only to discover that they were the same as any other ordinary pair of daggers. She twirled it around in her hand and studied its intricate design. Both of the dagger’s blades were in pristine condition; there were no nicks or scratches on them. If this had been the first time that Anara had looked at her dagger, she would have thought that it had never seen battle before. Of course, the dagger had seen many, many, many battles. “Anara, Vecks wants you in the Bridge,” came Aurie’s muffled voice through the closed door to Anara’s room. Anara sat up on her bed and put her dagger back on the nightstand, “I’ll be there in a second.” Anara ran her hand through the bit of medium length, dirty blonde hair that wasn’t covered by her bandana and got up off of her bed.
-- Halkis: Shrine of the Guardians --
Angela walked back and forth across the inside of the shrine, constantly clenching and unclenching her fists, “How the hell could someone have stolen the amulets?!?” There were statues behind her, one for each of the Guardians. Normally, each of the statues would have an amulet with a charm corresponding to their element around their necks. However, they all of the amulets were clearly missing. “What’s the big deal?” asked Eiyuu. Eiyuu, of course, didn’t know quite how important and powerful the amulets were. “What’s the big deal?!?” Angela repeated. Rage gripped onto her and submerged her in its wickedly hot embrace. “I’ll tell you what the big deal is!” The ground beneath her shook, like it was just as angry as she was. Mateo just stood there, saying nothing, doing nothing; Angela scared him when she got like this, and he didn’t want to do anything to make her any angrier; he just wanted her anger to subside. “Some idiot has almost all of the amulets containing the spirits of the Guardians of Atlantis, and now he or she has control over almost all of the friggin’ elements!” The ground shook again, and it continued to shake. The pillars and the statues began to tremble with the strength of the earthquake. Mateo walked up to her and placed his hands on her arms, “Calm down, Angela. Just calm down.” Angela pushed him away, “Calm down?!?” Her eyes glowed, one green and one yellow, and the ground shook even more violently. “Oh, I’m calm, Mateo!” The ground continued to shake, and Mateo and Eiyuu were flung to the ground. The pillars cracked and fell over like dominos, along with many of the statues of the Atlantic Guardians.
-- Vecks’ Gummi Ship: Bridge --
“Whaddaya want?” Anara asked the moment that her foot stepped into the Bridge. Vecks turned around and gave her a weird look that seemed to say, “When the hell are you going to put some real clothes on?!?” “We’re about to land,” he said, the weird look still etched upon his face. Anara rolled her forest green eyes, “And you needed me in here, why?” Vecks returned to his original piloting position and said, “I j-just wanted to let you know." Anara sighed, "Whatever, dude." And as she said that, he landed the ship. He quietly opened the hatch. Aurie was the first to exit, and Vecks quickly followed her. Anara felt her usually, cocky smile spread across her face; a battle was approaching, and she absolutely loved battles. She quickly ran back to her room to get her daggers and dashed back to the Bridge, jumping right through the opening in the hatch.
-- Halkis: Shrine of Guardians --
Angela sat down on the floor of the shrine, panting. She had calmed down, as well as the terrible earthquake that she had been causing. Angela sat among rubble; scattered around her were the heads of Aphasia, the Guardian of Metal, Koori, Furigana, and Septero. Across from her laid both Mateo and Eiyuu. Eiyuu struggled to get up and weakly said, “Nice one, idiot.” Mateo popped up next to him, and, with what little strength he head after getting thrown around from the earthquake, he punched Eiyuu in the shoulder, “Don’t call her an idiot!” “Ow!” “I destroyed it all…” Angela began to say as her voice was drowned out by tears. Mateo slowly got up and walked over to her. “It’s okay,” he assured her as he sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. “N-no it’s not, M-mateo!” she stammered. Angela had done the unthinkable; she had destroyed the entire Shrine of the Guardians of Atlantis. People always thought that the Shrine was indestructible; that no matter what happened, it would always stand proud and strong. Mateo sighed and kept his arms wrapped around her in a hug. Eiyuu rubbed his shoulder where Mateo had hit him, “So can we leave or what?” Mateo rolled his eyes. He clutched onto his amulet and asked, “You think you can teleport us through the shadows Septero?” Eiyuu looked like Mateo as if he had just grown a second head. “Yes,” Septero’s voice said in Mateo’s head. Mateo tightened his hands around his amulet and yelled, “Septero, switch!” A dark aura surrounded Mateo’s body, making him appear as if he was being burned by fire made of shadows. Slowly, he grew taller, and his hair grew longer. His features became sharper, and his eyes’ irises became pure black to match his pupils. The t-shirt and pants that he was wearing changed into a pair of black robes. The dark aura disappeared from around his body, and Mateo’s transformation into Septero was complete.
-- Zinomuss: Yaleg Town Square --
Aurie, Vecks, and Anara had wandered through a forest and found their way to a town. They stood in the middle of the town square, gazing intently upon their latest surroundings. The town square had once been a spectacular place. The paths that led to and around it had once been made of marble, and there had once been a glorious fountain in the center of it with sculptures of warriors and mages in its center. Huge shops that had sold armor and weapons had once stood around it. Of course, all of that was no more. The marble paths had been dug up and sold off for money, as well as the fountain. Most of the shops had been closed down and boarded up with their armor and weapons sold off for cheap prices. Vines had grown along the buildings that remained, and mud and dirt covered up almost everything. The site of the town square reminded Aurie, Vecks, and Anara very much of how their town looked after Koori had taken control. Aurie picked up the a small scrap of what had once been a path, “This is terrible…” And just as she said that, inky black shapes formed and solidified in the shadows. Vecks noticed them first, “Heartless!” He brought his long staff in both of his hands and said, “G-get behind me, Aurie.” Aurie was infuriated by the remark; she hated how people thought that just because she was a white mage, she needed protection; that simply because she could not wield her white magic offensively, she was weak. She was not a defenseless child! Anara jumped in front of her and attacked the heartless with countless slashes from her daggers. Vecks shouted, “FIRE!” and fire spun around him, burning a few heartless. He made sure to cast the spell whenever heartless began to creep up on him and Aurie. Anara dashed and cleaved a heartless in two. She then jumped out of the way of the attack of another heartless only to stab another heartless with both of her daggers. Vecks hit an approaching heartless with his staff and yelled, “THUNDER!” Thin bolts of electrical energy flew down from the sky and struck the heartless. The heartless died with a popping sound, and one left behind a ball of green goop. He picked it up and put it in a jar by his waist, muttering, “I should examine this.” “Watch out, mage-boy!” yelled Anara as she tackled a heartless away from him and cut its head of with her twin daggers. Aurie clenched her fists; she hated just being a healer; she wanted to help fight! “So you want to fight, eh?” a cool, calm voice said in her head.
-- Halkis: Shrine of Guardians --
“What the hell?!?” Eiyuu asked in alarm once Mateo had changed into Septero. Septero paid no attention to the remark and instead thrust his gleaming sword into what remained of the shrine’s floor as Angela wiped away the remaining tears on her face. He mumbled a strange incantation, and his sword began to glow with a dark aura, like Mateo had before he had changed into Septero. “What the hell?!?” Eiyuu screamed again. Septero continued to mumble the incantation. Shadows from all around them became drawn to his sword and flew into it. Septero finished the incantation with one last, rough word, and the shadows concentrated in his sword flew out of it and covered Eiyuu, Angela, and Septero. “What the hell?!?” Eiyuu screamed a third time, a little louder than the previous two times. The shadows grew darker, blocking their sight, and the shadows plunged them into impenetrable darkness.
-- Zinomuss: Yaleg Town Square --
“Who’s there?!?” Aurie asked, frantically looking around for the source of the voice. The world around Aurie began to slow down, its colors become dull and grey. A strange woman walked up to Aurie, her long, icy blue hair trailing behind her in a ponytail. Aurie recognized her at once, “Koori?!? We killed you!” Koori chuckled, the sun glinting off of her armor that looked as if it was made of translucent ice. Her short, light blue skirt fluttered a little as she came to a halt about a foot away from Aurie. “Oh no, my dear. You didn’t kill me. You merely purified me, and now my spirit resides in my amulet once more,” Koori said as she pointed to the amulet that Aurie was wearing as a bracelet. “So you want to fight, eh?” she repeated. “Y-yes,” Aurie stammered. Koori held her sword horizontally in front of Aurie, “Take the sword.” “I don’t understand…” “Take the sword,” Koori repeated, more sternly this time. “Why?” Aurie asked as she took the hilt of the sword in her hands. “You are the wearer of my amulet, and we Guardians of Atlantis are bound to aid those who wear our amulets.” And with that said, the color returned to everything around Aurie, and time moved once again in front of her. She grasped the hilt of her sword with both of her hands and ran into battle.
-- to be continued --
hmm, that was interesting.
I hate to sound like a total prick, but I didn't like some things about it though. I mean, Vecks isn't a jerk. At this point he is meek and kind of shy! And he isn't dumb enough to scoop up something weird in the heat of battle.
Anara was kind of odd too. I don't know, I just don't like the whole idea of everyone thinking of her as a slut. Maybe a free spirit and completely shameless when it comes to teasing people though.
Aurie...Is Aurie, can't think of anything wrong with that.
The whole side story bugged me though. Mateo/Septero were fine, but Angela was way too angry, and the whole idea of her accidentally destroying a holy ancient shrine because she got a little mad at Eiyuu was way out there. Eiyuu also seemed like the useless prick of the group who stands there and complains.
And, well, to be honest, the city they landed at was flawed. They dig up a marble roar and a fountain to sell them for money, which would be hard enough to do, and then they leave their weapons and stuff behind to rust!? That makes less sense then that time I exploded a sheep that was looking at me kind of funny.
Again, I am sorry that I'm being the evil critic here, but no body bats a thousand. I really appreciate the chapter and I did like having Angela just good from the start and Anara being there and being a smith (I can use that later <.<) but it just feels...off....
Please don't hurt me!!!
*Hides behind a duck*
Angela was angry 'cause I wanted her to be a bit different than she was last time; I sort of wanted to show that she could crumble a city with her control over the Earth if she felt like it, and that she has a bad temper, so you shouldn't mess with her. I just sort of felt that we didn't have a good enough taste of her power last time.
Yeah, yeah that's true... I think I'll edit that city part...
Eiyuu was supposed to seem like a useless prick. I was sick of him being so pure and good so I was like, "Why not make him useless and annoying this time around?"
Vecks scooped the goop up because I wanted to give the green goop that the heartless drop in the game some purpose, like they're the base of potions or something. Plus, mages usually get curious about things that they've never seen before. When he said for Aurie to get behind him in the middle of battle, he didn't mean to be rude to her, he just didn't want her to get hurt; Aurie took it the wrong way. I think I'll edit that little bit with Anara...
So Aurie is Aurie? I thought you'd say something about that katana that Koori gave her at the end.
lol. Mateo/Septero was good 'cause I barely did anything with 'em.
So anyways, thanks for the feedback, Wally. I've been needing some criticism. You still want me to write this with you or do you want me to call it quits?
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Wow. I just realised how many times I used "dagger" instead of "daggers" in the beginning. lol.
Eiyuu as a useless prick just doesn't work, I am sorry it just doesn't. Maybe a little less....Cloud / Sephiroth would be better though.
As for Vecks, I was referring to him calling for Anara for no real reason is all, not him defending Aurie, that part works. The goop part just doesn't make sense though. Now, AFTER the battle, I could totally see him scooping it up and studying it for hours on end <.<
Again, Angela was weird. I always figured her for being the more calm and collected with a wrathful side to her, not 'explode over the smallest detail' kind of person. Much like the earth in a way, steady and firm, but can be very destructive.
Still want you here though. Practice makes perfect after all! I started writing freshman year and there is a huge difference in what I wrote then (Recycled good stuff from things like Full Metal Alchemist and Final Fantasy into unoriginal crap) to what I write now (Some recycled stuff with original stuff all blended into something at least a little decent.)
:-D
Fine, Wally. I just can't change it, though...
I changed the Vecks calling Anara into the Bridge thing. I think it works a little bit better now.
lol. Well this is my new version of Angela! As deadly as an earthquake!
Alrighty, then; I'll stick around.
Either way, I am not going to have her jump off the handle at the drop of a hat. Doesn't work, it just doesn't I say!!!!
But, more energetic and active.
I'll get to work on the next chapter in a wee bit.