Good jokes

Post new and old Jokes here, get people to laugh and spread some stuff while your at it.

A 16 year old boy ,who just got his drivers ID, goes up to his father and says, "dad we need to work out something so I can use the car, the father replies,"Ok, I'll let you use the car if you do three things for me, 1 get all A's on you next report card, 2 study the bible more and 3 cut your hair, about one month later the boy goes back to his father and tells him about his grades and stuff, the father says," I've seen great improvement in your grades and you have been studying your bible, now all you have to do is cut your hair and i'll let you use the car." The boy answers," I've been thinking in the bible Samson had long hair so did Joesph and Moses, and am pretty sure Jesus had lond hair to, so I shouldn't have to cut my hair." The father smiles and replies, " thats true son but it also says they all WALKED to where they wanted to go.

har har har

I made a tread like this some time ago and it didn't go so well but whatever.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

two lions are eating a clown
one lion looks over to the other and says...
"does this taste funny to you?"
[spoiler]i win[/spoiler]

"Well?"

"It's a deep subject."

I got a joke

A guy walked in a bar and he went the the counter to get a drink

the waiter asked him " looks like you had a bad day what's wrong?"

The guy sais " I found out my son is gay"

The next day the same sad guy comes in for a drink, the waiter ask him "what's wrong this time?"

the sad guy sais "I found out my other son is gay"

The next day the same sad guy comes in for a drink, the waiter asks "Does anyone in your family like women" the sad guy sais "yeah my wife!

Uh.....doesn't the title say GOOD jokes?

Knock knock.

These jokes all suck. Are you guys pulling these jokes out of your ***? You can't even google subdecent jokes?

I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich.

I make better comebacks then a turkey sandwich.....wait.......



[SIZE="5"]TELRUD[/SIZE]

[quote=GameMiestro;564201]I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich.

Sadly, that wasn't a comeback. Womp womp wooomp. :(

The best joke is the title of this thread. The punchline happens when you read the contents.

Pyod duli myliyri wukohit ud yod.

keyartist

How is a woman like a laxative?

They both irritate the crap out of you.

What do you call the useless flesh around the vagina? The woman.

[spoiler]Sorry to all who may take this seriously.[/spoiler]

Why did the witch wear no underwear under her skirt when she was on the broom?

SO she can have a better grip!

It's not useless if your into guro.

What do Jelly beans and people have in common.










Nobody likes the black ones.

na na na

here's the best joke

How come Lesbians never eat dinner at home?

Because they always eat out!

you guys ****ing suck, i told the only good joke in this thread :\

edit: and inequity, bol'd

Women's rights.

A cripple walks into a bar.

does anyone get offended by racial jokes? cause I have a few knee-slappers I could post if thats fine.

Hell no, anyone who doesn't like them can leave.

a proton, an electron, and a nuetron walk into a bar. They all sit down, and the proton yells GIMME 15 SHOTS OF YOUR HARDEST LIQUOR! The bartenders aisks him if he thinks he can handle that much booze and the proton says "Yeah, I'm positive." The nuetron says "I'll have what hes having," and the bartender says "hey, for you my friend, no charge." Finally the barkeep looks over at the electron, who doesnt seem to be havig much fun, and says "so what'll you have?" The electron sighs and says "Nothing, im the designated driver for these two morons." The bartender looks at him and says "hey man, cheer up. dont be so negative."

a fish swims into a wall and yells "DAM!"

two fish are in a tank, and one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Aaaand now for the dead baby/grossout jokes. I'll start with my two favs and you guys can run with it from there.

How do you make a five year old cry twice?
Use her teddy bear to wipe the blood off of your dick.

Whats the hardest part about killing a baby?
My dick.

What's worse than finding ten babies in a bin?



Finding one baby in ten bins.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

Why were there only 30,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?

Because there were only two cars LOL

What's the difference between a dead baby and a bathtub?
You can't screw a bathtub.

What's the difference between a black guy and a tire?
When you put chains on a tire it doesn't start singing.

A rooster is being replaced by a younger, more robust rooster. The rooster goes up to his usurper and says "Hey buddy, we got a little tradition 'round here. The new guy has to beat the old guy in a 3 lap race around the chicken house." So off they go. First lap, the old-timer has the jump on him. Second lap, the young one begins catching up. Third lap, it's neck and neck, the stakes are all high, they're coming to the finish line and BOOM (headshot), the farmer shoots the new rooster. Later the wife says she heard a shot, and he says "I just don't get it. That's the fourth new rooster I got, and this one's gay too."

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who can read binary and those who can't.

A man walked up to me and said "I haven't had a bite in a week." So I turned to him and sternly asked "How are you still alive?"

Thousands of people died in the tidal wave in Thailand.

I found out a relative of mine died in a concentration camp. Fell off a guard tower.

Why do gas chambers have 11 holes?
Cause Jews have 10 fingers.

What does a man do if his dishwasher stops working?
Smacks her and tells her to get back in the kitchen.

[quote]Thousands of people died in the tidal wave in Thailand.

Funniest thing I've read in this thread.

[quote]
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who can read binary and those who can't.

how many people can read hex if only you and dead people can read hex?

johnny wasnt a chemist
and no he is no more
what johnny thought was water
was H2S04

Why are the streets of france lined with trees?
german soldiers like to march in the shade

A father gets home from work one day, and hears his son saying some rather rude language. Thinking that its best that he just gets the talk over with, he asks the boy where he heard the words. the boy says that he heard them in school and that he doesnt really know what they mean. So the dad asks what words the kid wants explained. The kid says that he heard the word "pussy" at school, but didnt know what it mean. so the dad says "hold on", gets up, and goes and gets an old issue of hustler. he opens it up to the centerfold and circles to model's genitals with a pen. "Okay son, everything in the circle is a pussy. Any other questions?" the son thinks for a second and says "yeah, i also heard the word ****. whats that?"

The dad laughs and says "thats everything outside the circle.

When is the only time you can spit in a Persian womans face?
When her mustache is on fire.

Why is the afghan airforce so easy to train?
You only have to teach them how to take off.

Little Zachery, A Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parent tried everything, mentors, tutors, flash cards, everything.

His parents finally decided to take the advice of a counseler and send him to Catholic school. Little Zachery came home from school and to his mothers amazement went straight home and started studying and reading with all kinds of papers scattered out on the floor. His mother called him into dinner and as soon as he finished eating, to his mothers astonishment, went back in and hit the books again. This went on for several nights until one day he brought home his first report card, and solemly laid it on the table and went back to studying. To his mothers astonishment in Math he had an A.

Finally her curiousity overpowered her and that night at dinner she said: "son, what was it, was it the nuns"

Zack looked at her and shook his head no.

"Well then", she replied, "what was it, the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniform? WHAT WAS IT!!"

Zack looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, I saw a guy nailed to a gaint plus sign, and I new they weren't screwing around.

Sorry if there is spelling errors.

Dracula Walks into a bar and asks for a Hot cup of water. The bartender then asks "no liquor tonight not even beer"? Dracula shakes his head, pulls out a tampon and says "Its tea time!"

Dracula drinks only blood, in a wine glass. And he doesn't even drink it, he just throws it halfway across the room.

More like a foot or two away from his chair.

how do you fit 500 jews in a car

2 in front, 2 in back, and 496 in the ashtray =)

What is the difference between a Cadillac and a garbage can full of dead babies?




I dont have a cadillac in my garage

Ok, what about this one?

Why do hunters make the best lovers?

They jump into the bush, they shoot more than once, and they always
eat what they shoot.

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."











A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"








A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question comfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

I definitely laughed audibly at a couple of those, Reve.

Reve has the best jokes in this thread.

I got one:

These three guys have a friend named Chris, who can always find the bright side of things, and say "It could have been worse" no matter how bad. So the three guys come up with a plan, they were going to tell him something so bad that he couldn't find the bright side. They invited him to a game of golf at a country club, and 2 of the guys were there when Chris arrived. Chris came to the 2 guys and said "Where is Jimmy?" (the 3rd guy). The 1st guy said "Didn't you hear? Jimmy is dead! He found his wife cheating on him last night, so he shot his wife, the man she was with and himself." Chris gasped and then said "Well, it could of been worse." The 2nd guy replies "How could of been worse? Your friend is dead!" Chris says "I know, but if it was 2 days ago I would have been dead!"

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

What did one painting say to the other?

"How high are you hung?"


I told this one to my parents when I was five.

Q. Whats grosser than gross?


A. having a dream about chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your butt.
...srry.

How do you save a woman from being raped by a group of 5 niggas?

Throw a basket ball to them

An old rabbi retired from performing circumcisions after working at this practive for over 50 years. He has saved every single foreskin he had ever cut, so he decided he might as well put them to use.

He took the foreskins to a tailor and asked, "Can you make me some kind of souvenir?" The tailor said, "Sure, I'll see what I can do." The rabbi was very alarmed when the tailor showed him the finished product, a small wallet.

He asked, "That's all you were able to make? There must have been thousands of them!" The tailor said, "Just rub it for a few minutes and it should grow into a suitcase."

Find out what men really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."



A Women's Vocabulary

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

- Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".







There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're ****ed, Superman."



One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

A teacher is attempting to teach her class proper grammar and remove bad habits. She scribbles the words: "I ain't had no fun this entire month." on the chalkboard.

Pausing a moment, she looks at the class and asks a question. "How can I fix this?" she inquires.

A single, emphatic hand shoots up in the middle of the class room, and its the local trouble-maker Roy. Taking a deep breath, and without anyone else to call on, she looks at Roy and says: "So Roy, how would you fix this?"

The boy grins, and says: "Get a vibrator."

Okay well...I don't do jokes but my BLACK friend told me this...
"What do bananas, apples, and black people have in common?"






They all hang from trees....har har hehe yea next one:

A man walks into a clock shop and whips out his DICK.....the girl at the shop said this is a CLOCK shop not a COCK shop he said I know....but I need 2 hands and face on it...


Next one is a riddle:

John's mom has 4 kids. 3 kids names is March, April, and May what's the 4th ones name?...........if you really want to know message me lol...


They might not be funny to some but I just wanted to contribute.

Lol, you guys are funny.

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

[spoiler]A pilot, you racist bastard.[/spoiler]

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

[spoiler]See you next month.[/spoiler]

There are 3 statistitions and they all decide to go duck hunting.
So they go to the pond and commence.
The first statistition shoots and misses one foot to the left.
The second statistition shoots and misses one foot to the right.
The third statistition shoots and says "I got him."

Props to anyone who got that.

Sterilization

Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally uselless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tanto and samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha-cha.

The doctor suggested using the safe period. At that time we were staying with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It was hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt very healtjy but my wife fell pregnant.

Another old wives tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent preganancy. After constant breast feeding (including my earlier attempts) my wife jumped up and down but finished with black eyes and knocked herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use one so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not suprise me as I fal to see how a Durex fitted over the top of my thumb as the chemist showed can prevent babies.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after several attemps to fit it we decided we had been given a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screx.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very pleased about this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but it did give my wife several headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This worked for a while until the night she dropped the pill.

You must realise and appreciate my problem. If this application is not successful I will have to result to oral sex but just talking about it could never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely

Reve's are easily best, I loved the depression one. Are you getting these from somewhere, or do you just keep a mental catalogue of good jokes?

There is a man and he has three magical talking ducks. He walks into a bar and asks the bartender where the bath room is. The bartender points to a door on the left. The man asks if he can leave his ducks at the bar and the bartender says it's fine.

The bartender, looking for conversation, turns to the first duck and asks "Hey buddy whats your name and hows your day been?" The duck says "I'm Jerry and I've had the best day ever. I've been going in and out of puddles all day." The bartender turns to the next duck and asks the same thing. The duck says "I'm George and I too have had the best day. I spent the day going in and out of puddles." The bartender turns to the third duck and it hold up it's wing. "My name is Puddles and don't ask me how my day was."

There were three brothers living in a log cabin in the forests of Alaska. The oldest brother is quite brillant. He goes out hunting one night and comes back with an elk. The other two brothers get excited and ask "How did you do that?!" He replys "Follow the tracks follow the tracks get the elk."

The middle brother isn't quite as intellegent, he's average. He decides to try this and goes out hunting. He comes back with a fox and the youngest brother gets excited. "How did you get that?!" The brother replys "Follow the tracks follow the tracks get the fox."

Well as you may have guessed the youngest brother isn't that smart. He goes out hunting and comes back scraped, bruised, cut, bleeding and near death. The two older brothers rush over asking "What happened?!" The youngest brother says "I followed the tracks I followed the tracks and got hit by the train."

Duck one reminded me of one I know:

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down for a drink. A rather drunken man comes up to sit down next to her, eyes her over, and asks "What the hell are you doing with that pig?" The woman says, "What are you talking about? This is a duck." The man replies, "I was talkin' to the duck."

This ones old but still good

So, a duck walked into a bar, and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "No, this isn't a grocery store, get the hell out of here!" So, the duck came back the next day, and asked the bartender "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender said "No, I told you before, this isn't a grocery store, and I don't have any grapes, now leave!" So the duck came back the next day, and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The angry bartender said, "NO! And if you come back and ask me that again, I will nail your butt to the wall! Now leave!" So, the duck came back the next day, and asked the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said, "No, why?" The duck said, "In that case, do you have any grapes?"



Got to love ducks.

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Q: What do you call 100 Indians around a white man?








































A: Bartender!


Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

Wow that was lame.

Idk, I thought it was pretty **** funny.

all your jokes were the typical ****ty kind I get from my grandparents on my email :)

i like jokes about horses and bars

like, a horse walks into a bar

Q: why cant hellen keller(sp?) drive?

A: because shes a women

please dont get offended by these their ment ot be funnie i have nothing against anyone

your so fat you ware 3 sizes X-LARG XX-LARG AND OH MY *** ITS COMMING AT US

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


------------------------------------------------------------

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Darren is an all-star wrestler for his high school greco-roman team. As a special program at his school, he is able to travel all around the world and compete. His first match is in Russia against the greatest wrestler in the country. At the beginning of the match, Darren's coach says to him, "I've done some research, whatever you do, don't get in his special 'Pretzel' hold."
As fate would have it, ten seconds into the match, Darren is twisted up in the Russian's hold. The coach turns to walk away in disgust, but is amazed to see Darren suddenly overpower and pin the large Russian.
At the end of the match, the coach pulls Darren aside. "I don't understand, I saw you in the hold, what happened?" "Well, when I was twisted up, I noticed a pair of testicles hanging in my face, so I bit them." "Wow, and he let you go in pain!" "No, but you'd be amazed how much adrenaline you get when your testicles are bitten."
---
A man and a woman, married for 50 years, are laying in bed. The woman turns to her husband and says, "Honey, honestly, have you always been true to me?" The husband answers, "In our entire time married, I have always been true to you, but when we were dating, I slept with your roommate." "That's okay, I still love you," she said, "I forgive you."
Later, the man turns to his wife and asks the same question. Tears well up in her eyes as she confesses. "I've cheated on you three times." The man is livid, but asks, "What three times?"
"First, do you remember when we needed that loan to buy our first home, and the bank denied us it?" "Yes," he said. "I slept with the man who approved our loan application." "That's fine, I forgive you," said the man, showing a great amount of self-control
"Second, do you remember when you were going to go back to school and get a degree in politics, but we couldn't get a studen loan for you?" "Yes," he said. "I slept with the who approved your loan application, too." "That's okay, dear, I forgive you," said the man, getting a little more upset.
"And last, honey-" she paused.
"It's fine, dear, I love you, go on," he said.
"Well, do you remember that time you ran for mayor, and you were down by 850 votes?..."

Ha ha, I love that second one.

I have heard all of these jokes before. :(

Some of them don't even get the punchlines right.

Their is a couple at their 50th anniversary and the husband is sitting in the corner crying, the wife comes up and says "Whats the matter honey is it all your friends and family around us" and he replies "no" sha says "is it because your so happy we've been together so long" he says "no...do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us kissing on the porch and he said if you don't marry her i'll throw you in jail for 50 years" she replies "yes" he starts crying harder and says "I'd be a free man today"


lol the 2nd banjo player in my band told me that

hope its understandable i was in a rush because I've got to go to dinner now!

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders

Whats the difference between a catfish and George W.?
One is a slimy, ugly, scum sucking, bottom dweller......and the other one is just a fish.

2 lesbians and 2 faggots walk into a store, who comes out first?
The lesbos get out lickity split and the fags are in there pokin' around