Okay dudes, here's my new story! Enjoy! (Oh and sorry for the lameass ending.) :p:
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Raven Scar
Chapter 1 - Warsong
[spoiler]Are shadows really evil?[/spoiler]
Lilith stood by the huge window of her apartment and watched as more buildings crumbled, as more people died. The war that was going on was wrecking her life, making it burn and turn to ashes. Today was supposed to be her 16th birthday. She wasn’t supposed to be spending it like this; just watching as more lives were lost, as more people grieved over their loved ones. Lilith sighed and walked away from the window. She heard more gun shots and explosions down on the streets. That was it. Lilith had made her decision. She was going to stop this pointless war, but first she needed to find out the cause of it.
The war had started over basically nothing. Just, all of a sudden, the neighboring country had started attacking. There was no warning, they simply attacked. Thousands of lives had been lost already, and for apparently no reason.
The black, raven-shaped mark on Lilith’s lower back suddenly burned. Lilith had never experienced such pain before. It felt as if someone had lit her on fire and was stabbing her with a spear. She doubled over in pain and fell down against a wall. Someone kicked open the door to Lilith’s apartment, and enemy soldiers began pouring in. Suddenly, the immense pain on Lilith’s lower back faded. She blinked two times, and finally realized that the barrel of a very large gun was pointed at her head.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Lilith said in between clenched teeth. The soldier paid no attention to her words, and simply put his finger onto the trigger. “I tried to warn you,” Lilith said, almost sadly. Her usually black eyes turned violet, and shadows seemed to wrap themselves around the soldier’s body. The shadows covered around the man’s neck and seemed to tighten. The soldier cried out in agony as his last breath escaped his lips. His body went limp and a shadowy aura evaporated from all around him.
“Anyone else?” asked Lilith in an angry voice. In response, several more soldiers charged towards her, their laser swords raised. Lilith cried out in rage, and several long, thin shadows shot out from behind her. The shadows wrapped themselves around the soldiers, and, just as they did with the previous soldier, tightened around the soldiers’ necks. All of the soldiers screamed as they let out their last breaths, and fell to the floor, dead. Shadowy aura’s evaporated from each of the soldiers.
Lilith’s eyes became black once more, and she collapsed onto the floor. The girl gasped for breath. She got up and grabbed her laptop. Lilith had to get out of the building before more soldiers came. She ran straight through the doorframe without looking back. The sound of another explosion met her ears, and she ran faster. At the speed she was going, her black skirt and the sleeves of her black shirt were trailing behind her, making it look as if she was clothed in shadow. Her skull necklace dangled from her neck and violently rocked back and forth.
Not even bothering to push the button for an elevator to come, Lilith ran down a flight of stairs. As she neared the ground floor, her oval-shaped glasses fell off. She sighed and stopped her descent. Lilith frantically searched for her glasses as several more explosions sounded outside. After about thirty seconds, she found them and put them back on.
Lilith opened the door, and headed into the chaos that surrounded the lobby of the apartment building. The lobby was demolished, and most of it was up in flames Bodies littered the marble floor, and soldiers stood with their guns pointed at the few remaining civilians. Then Lilith spotted a familiar face among the living civilians. A soldier brought his gun to the familiar blonde girl's head. "No!" Lilith shouted as the mark on her back burned once more. Lilith's eyes flashed violet and shadows flew towards the soldier. The soldier, however, was surprisingly prepared for this, and began firing lasers from his gun towards Lilith. Shadows formed a shield in front of her and negated each laser. Without thinking, Lilith ran towards the soldier. She threw her hands in front of her and commanded the shadows to cover them. Lilith focused on the shadows on her hands, causing them to change shape, to form fire-like balls of shadow. She grasped the shadowy spheres in her hands and threw them at the soldier. One sphere hit the man's gun, while the other hit the man in the chest. He groaned in pain as he stumbled backwards and his gun disintegrated. The man recovered from the hit and ran towards Lilith, a dagger held in his hand. Without warning, the other girl took a huge mallet off of her back and swung it at the man's chest. "Ha! Take that!" she cried in triumph as the man fell to the ground, and a shadowy aura evaporated from his body, "Thanks for the help, Lili." "Don't thank me yet," Lilith said bluntly, "There are still more of them left, Gaia." "Well those losers can't be that hard to take care of," replied Gaia as she ran towards another soldier. She swung her mallet down on his head, and he fell to the ground. Just like the other soldier, a shadowy aura evaporated from him. Lilith ran towards the other remaining soldier, and focused the shadows into spheres once again, however these spheres were much larger than the previous ones. She jumped up into the air and threw them at the soldier. The soldier tried to evade them, but the shadow-spheres were locked onto his aura, and hit him head on. The soldier fell to the ground dead, and a shadowy aura evaporated from his body.
"I told you they would be easy, Lili," said Gaia. “Yeah yeah, whatever you say Gaia," replied Lilith, "Can I ask you something?" “Anything, just make it quick,” Gaia responded
“Do you still have the keys to your brother’s ship?”
“Yeah, why…? Oh no, we are not stealing my brother’s ship! I don‘t care why you want to steal it, but we‘re not doing it!”
--
“I can’t believe we’re stealing my brother’s ship,” said Gaia as she neared the metallic pilot seat of her brother’s jet black airship. “I have no idea how you talked me into this!” “I just have a way with words,” replied Lilith with a smirk on her face, “Come on, we need to get out of this hangar before those soldiers demolish it.” “Okay, okay!” said Gaia as she sat down and started the ship, “Don’t be so pushy, Lili!” Lilith sighed and sat down at a small, metallic desk in the bridge. She took out her laptop and carefully placed it on the desk. “Lili, why are you messing with your laptop?” asked Gaia. “Checking up on the status of the war. The casualties, how our country’s dealing with it, how many losses we’ve had so far, etcetera. I‘m going to try and hack into the enemy military‘s information network too. I have to know who‘s in their army“ “Cool,” said Gaia as she started the ship‘s engines, “Hold onto your underwear, we’re in for a bumpy ride!” Lilith quickly put on her seatbelt, grabbed her laptop, and held it close to her chest. The ship lurched upward, exited the hangar, and proceeded to enter the dark, night sky. It slowed and rotated so the floor was once again parallel to the ground. “Passengers, you are now free to roam the aircraft,” said Gaia. Lilith smiled and went back to doing her research on the laptop.
--
It had been two hours since Lilith had begun her research. As it turned out, there were already around 4,000 casualties on their side of the war, and their country wasn’t doing so well. The enemy army was proving to be too powerful. The enemy soldiers seemed to be unbeatable; they were equipped with the most state of the art weapons and armor. Lilith’s country, Asega, had weapons and body armor of a much lower class than the enemy country, Xaages, and that was proving to be a fatal problem.
Seeing that there was no need to research their side of the war any longer, Lilith decided to attempt to hack into the enemy’s information network. For her, it was a piece of cake. She was one of the best hackers in all of Asega, and no computer was safe from her, no matter how good the firewall was. “I’m in,” said Lilith as she looked over at Gaia. “Cool,” replied Gaia who was sitting in the pilot’s seat, painting her nails sky blue. Lilith shuddered, she couldn’t stand the sight of bright, vibrant colors. She looked back on the computer screen, and scanned the page for names. “No,” whispered Lilith as she read the name of a person she had known since childhood.
-- to be continued --
That was really good! I enjoyed the part where they were stealing Gaia's brother's ship.
But I have to ask you a few things:
- The building Raven Scar was getting demolished by the enemy soldiers right?
- If bright colors made Raven Scar shudder, wouldn't looking at the sky or computer screen be difficult tasks? Especially since you said that she was on the computer for more than 2 hours.
Not much feeling into the dialogue.
Nice detail but the lack of personality in the majority of the dialogue killed it.
Hey guys! I'm finally back!
What is this dark mark, anyway?
Go for it.
I never redo my chapters....never.
Meh.
Too lazy etc.
Oh ha I thought the girl was named Raven Scar. Oh well.
I even knew that wasn't her name.
She's been saying it's Lilith.
;>_>
Oh haha.
Guess I overlooked that.
I re-read the lobby part. I understand it a lot better now.
How could you overlook that? I called her Lilith in at least every other sentence!
Lmao, I know but ever since you said it was gonna be called Raven Scar it's been stuck in my head that her name is Raven Scar.
Ok, FINALLY read the thing. It was'nt bad, but I have to think it lacked a certain element. I don't know what, but it seemed kind of hallow at the moment. Of course, it's a starting chapter, so that could very well be why.
And I'm not so sure about your explanation of the mark. I won't ay why cause I'm not good at the text stuff, I just don't think it's that good. The origin and source anyway, I like its effects.
Not bad though, I rather like the fact that it was an airship and not a gummi ship.
And why didn't anyone read my revision?
I'll read it but it's too long.
Sorry. :(
Says the guy who went and wrote two chapters instead of one.
You still prolly wrote more than me in this one revised chapter compared to both of mine combined.
Well yeah, you're chapters have a habbit of having far too much Dialogue and not enough....Well everything else. I on the other hand, just don't shut up with either. Me father is an author, what do you expect? :-)
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Nah, after looking at it, probably not. Mine about a full post and then some more after that, a full post an a half at the most.
Meh, in me most recent chapter with Nexy dialogue, descriptions and actions run everything....and not action as in fighting.