[FONT=Garamond]Helpful criticizing would be nice, if not then it's fine.
I would like if somebody would help this flow smoother. I revised it, but it sounds ammuturish.
It's called The Roof Top Secret. I originally wrote this as a poem; but by tweaking it a bit it sounds like a song.
[/FONT] [CENTER][FONT=Garamond][COLOR=Silver][SIZE=5]The Roof Top Secret
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[CENTER][FONT=Garamond][COLOR=Silver]By Zach, [Me]
The Roof Top Secret
Only if the beautiful people knew
About the clouded shrine; a heaven full of magic
The pure proof of divine deception
With a marvelous sensation, it drives the peak
It's the Roof Top Secret
And the enigma must remain safe
No one else must know a place like thi
It's a place where happiness exists
Be assured we're almost there
The paradise is The Surreal
Who could come up here??
It numbs the mind
The seed that deliberates fine
It slays my own diminished dignit
It's the Rooftop Secret
Where the Everlasting Elysium Lies
It's the Utopia of Euphoria
It's Seven-Eleven with a lullaby
We must prepare for the big castle in the sky
The Injection of Relaxation is a Temptation
But forever I hold a secret
There's an addiction inside; the Roof Top Secret
I'll stay with Edan as you predicted; and so you'll leave me
I'll end up on the streets, again
I won't afford the secret, again
It's the drugs that keeps it a secret
I'll shoot through veins like heaven[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Garamond]
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This is about drugs, and how I "quit". Later my friends, family, and people I don't know eventually found out my little "secret", and the **** hit the fan from there. It's a very true story unfortunately; but if crack is wack does that mean everything that rhymes with crack is wack (That's... Terrible)?
Any how... Kudos for reading![/FONT]
Very original, the message. It really talks. But, I don't like poems that don't ryhme very much- but that's okay, because you did this right. You have vvery good vocabularly, that much is clear; keep that up, in your poems. All in all, 7/10. Good job.
Thanks :).