I dunno if this is the right place. It seemed most obvious. Anyway, I am sure this thread has been done before, maybe not. I dunno. Just post a joke. Any old joke is fine.
A mother and her son go to the zoo.
At the zoo, the monkeys are having sex.
The son asks "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother responded "They're baking a cake"
Later that night, he heard his mother and father having sex on the couch.
The next morning, he said to his mother "I heard you and daddy baking a cake last night."
She responded "How do you know?"
He said "Because I licked the batter off of the couch."
Incest isn't funny. :(
David and Victoria Beckham go off an Aeroplane in London from New York. They leave the Airport and call a taxi. After 5 minutes, they get in the taxi. Driving along, the driver says,
"So Mr. Beckham, how have you been lately?"
"Ahh, I've been alright." He replies.
"I just got back from my holiday."
"Oh really?" said the driver,
"Where did you go?"
"New York." said Beckham.
"Ahh, that's nice. What did you do there?" he replies.
"Did a bit of shopping.....went sightseeing.....oh! And we went to a really nice restaurant, best I've ever been to!" said Beckham.
"That's nice, I've been to New York a few times myself. What was the name of the restaurant? I might've been there myself!" Asked the taxi driver.
"Oh, erm....er.......I can't remember........name a London railway station." replied Beckham.
"Euston?" said the Driver.
"No, that's not it."
"Piccadilly?"
"No, no."
"Victoria?"
"Yeah, that's it! Victoria, what was the name of the restaurant we went to?"
lol good one.
Another one that's not infested with incest ;)
A women was walking in a city. She was 42, but she thought she dint look like it.
She decided to test her age by asking people.
She asked a lady: " what do you think my age is?"
Lady answers: "I'd say...35?"
"Nope, I'm 42!" She said proudly.
Later on, she decides to try it again. She enters a McDonalds and goes in line.
When it comes to hey turn, the girl behind the counter asks: "what can I get you?"
Women sais "actually, I dont want anything. I just want you to tell me what you think my age is."
Employee reponds "hum...You look 25..."
"Nope, I'm 42!"
On her way to the bus stop, a man in sitting all alone.
"Lets give it another shot" She thought
"Part me sir. What do you think my age is?"
"Well miss, if you want me to tell you your age, I'll have to grab your boobs"
" No seriously, no tricks"
"I'm serious miss, thats the best trick!"
Being so proud of the last results, she lifts up her shirt and the guy grabs them for 2 minutes.
"well miss, I can say your 42!"
"What??? Thats impossible! How did you guess?"
"Well to be honest, I was behind you in the line-up at McDonalds..."
Ha Flame Ghost that first one was weird and twisted...but funny in a way. Okay here is a really dirty joke I love telling:
-Why do roosters like it when cats fall in the water?
~Answer~[spoiler] BECAUSE COCKS LOVE WET PUSSIES![/spoiler]~Answer~
Knock knock
Who's there?
Panic makes ****ty threads
Panic makes ****ty threads who?
Panic makes ****ty threads.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Bob.
Bob who?
Bob saget.
q: why did the chicken cross the road?
a: this thread is horrible and you should burn in grammar auschwitz
I told ya this thread wouldn't work for ****.
I shouldn't have suggested him to try -_-
Once upon a time there was a FLAME GHOST. The FLAME GHOST tripped and fell and died. Everyone rejoiced. There was also a KLARTH. The KLARTH smiled and said to himself, "i think
There was once a Klarth who thought ghost died even if they were dead spirits. He also thought people died when they tripped.
You think whut?
Apparently, flame ghosts != ghosts.
how do you start a jewish parade?
Roll a penny down the street
What do you call 100 black guys buried up to their necks in sand?
Afro turf
Whats the difference between a Porsche and garbage can full of dead babies?
I dont have a porsche in my garage.
A kid hears some dirty words at school and goes home and asks his dad about it. The dad, figuring he might as well go ahead and explain it, asks the first word the kid heard. "Whats a pussy?" the kid asks. So, being resourceful, the dad goes and gets an old issue of hustler, and opens it up to the centerfold, and circles her vag with a magic marker. "Everything inside that circle I just drew is a pussy. Was there anything else you heard?" he asks. "Yeah, whats a cunt?" the son replies.
"Well," the dad says, "that easy. Its everything outside the circle I just drew."
What’s a funny joke? Woman’s rights.
How do you get a one-handed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.
How do you kill a blonde? put a scratch 'n' sniff at the bottom of a pool.
:bounce:
All of these jokes are offensive. Highlight at your own risk.
[spoiler]
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
Divorce her and marry a new one.
what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
nothing, you've already said it twice.
Whats the first thing a woman should do after leaving a battered woman's shelter?
the dishes, if the bitch knows whats good for her.
what does wife mean?
Washing Ironing Food Entertainment
How many men does it take to open a beer?
none, it should be open with the bitch brings it to you.
when is the only time a woman should be above a man?
IF THE KITCHENS UPSTAIRS
why did hitler commit suicide
Two anwers:
1) you try locking yourself in a bunker with a woman for a while and see how long you last
OR
2)he finally got the gas bill[/spoiler]
Thats all Ive got for now.
So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ...Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
There is an Italian, Indian and Blonde at a construction site. It's Lunchtime. The Italian guy opens his lunchbox, and says.
"Argh! Pizza again! I swear that if I get Pizza tommorow I'll kill myself!" The Indian guy opens his lunchbox.
"Argh! Curry again! I swear that if I get Curry tommorow I'll kill myself too!" Then the blonde guy opened his lunchbox.
"Argh! Burgers again! I swear that if I get Burgers tommorow, I'll kill myself as well!" Then, the next day. It's lunchtime again, and the Italian guy opens his Lunch, there is a pepperoni pizza.
"ARGH!" He jumps off the building and kills himself. He is dead. Then the Indian guy opens his lunchbox, there is a chicken curry.
"AHHH!" He jumps off too, he is also dead. The Blonde opened his lunchbox, and there was a big hamburger, so he jumped off too.
Later that day, their wives are grieving the loss of their husbands. The Blonde's wife wasn't quite crying as much as the other two. They asked.
"Why aren't you upset? It was your fault he killed himself!" She looked back and replied.
"Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch!"
[QUOTE=Klarth]Wenn ist das Nunst
One of the greatest coverups in history is that Hitler didn't commit suicide in his bunker, he was actually tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, but Chuck Norris doesn't cry.
Chuck Norris once had the idea to can his urine and sell it as a carbonated beverage. We now know this drink to be Red Bull.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard, his foot broke the speed of light, traveled back in time, and kiled Amelia Airhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris is the only man who can move at the speed of light, so that when, right before you turn on the light, he can round-house kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris is the only man that can run around the world and hit Chuck Norris in the head.
One day, Chuck Norris went outside with a boner. There were no survivers.
Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag, he potato-sacks.
Tigers are a biproduct of Chuck Norris raping his tabby cat.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on, not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
One day on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a dead lizard on the ground. He picked it up, and to everyone's amazement, he brought it back to life. He then tossed it into the air and killed it with a flying round-house kick to show that "Chuck Norris giveth and Chuck Norris taketh away."
There is no global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
When the boogey man goes to bed each night, he checks under the bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, hes pushing the world down.
There is no evolution, only a list of things Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard, only another fist.
What do you call a thousand white guys jumping out of an airplane? Day
What do you call a thousand black guys jumping out of an airplane? Night
What do you call a thousand mexicans jumping out of an airplane? Air Pollution
----------------------------------
How long does it take a black woman to crap?
9 Months
-----------------------------------
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
so they can see the fight
French tanks have 3 gears for forward and 1 gear for reverse. What is the reverse gear for?
Just in case the fight is in front of them
I've got more, mostly just as bad if not worse as these :(
Ten Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman:
10: A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
9: Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8: A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6: You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4: When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
3: A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2: A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
1: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
OK a duck walks into a store and asks the clerk"do you got any grapes?"
The clerk says "no sorry. And the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back"Do you got any grapes?"
The clerck says" I already told you no" The duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes in and says"Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk says" I said no if you ask again I'm going to staple your balls to the floor". The duck leaves
The next day the Duck comes in and says" Do you got any staples?"
The clerk says "no" The the duck says"Got any grapes?"
Why do Indian women get dots on their heads when they get married?
So their husbands can scratch it off and see if they won a 7-11 or a gas station