Alright, I'll do to the best of my abilities to keep this updated.
Well, I plan to write a fantasy story. I want to write a good sized novel, with a good story and characters.
Well, by the time that ever happens, I'm sure this passage will be edited an uncountable number of times, and it might not even exist. But, if I don't ever bring myself to write a passage, it will never happen.
I still need to plan out tons of details, but I have most of the story, and thorough, thorough characterization already mapped out. Well, here it is so far.
Be brutally honest. :mad:
"The battlefield lay still and silent. What was once a happy and prosperous town the day before, had been shattered to nothingness in a matter of minutes. It was a considerably sized town, with several long paved streets lined with buildings. If one were to take a walk around, they could probably find it was a peaceful trading town. The citizens got along well, there was a lot of interaction, and they didn’t have a care in the world, save for living a happy, decent life in their calm hometown.
But none of that mattered now. The city was a burned down pile of ash. The once joyous inhabitants were sprawled around the streets, some taken by surprise, others with looks of sheer horror on their lifeless faces. Only some traces of each shop or house were found; remnants that surely held countless memories and stories. The air smelled with a sickly scent of death and destruction, and any sight was obscured by the brownish smoke that explored the ruined area. Maybe there were survivors that escaped into the wilderness beyond their city walls, maybe not. The city was taken with overwhelming force, a surprise attack that no one saw coming. The blood of innocent was spilled this day, and only one figure remained in this broken memory. One silhouette in the smoke of dying city embers stood alone."
GIVE ME A REPLY JERKS I WANT TO SEE IF I SUCK OR NOT
Looks good to me. :)
Remember that comma we talked about? :cool:
Otherwise, ns.
That is actually a really good passage... you should keep writing... the black guy always dies first... remember that...
Pretty good. I liked it. 4/5.
Heh, thanks guys. Yeah, I'm gonna continue it, but later on, I'm going to have to do a lot more planning. x_x I might submit more soon.
Eh.
“Come on, captain. It’s time to go. We’ve done our business here.”
“…Alright. Get whatever troops that are left in the town into the airship. I’ll join you in a minute.”
The man walked back into the orangish smoky haze, while Lia stood motionless, still staring into the decrepit, broken fountain that remained in front of her. Countless thoughts swept through her mind, some of confusion, others of guilt, and even a few of hate. Why was her fleet ordered to attack this city? Why was the blood of hundreds of innocents spilled because of one item? She knew she was responsible for this. She knew she could’ve refused the command. However, such defiance could easily cause her to lose her rank. This flurry of thoughts raged through her mind, but there was nothing she could do about it right now. Right now, more important things had to be done. Finally leaving the deserted square, she too walked into the dead mist towards the massive silhouette in the sky; the airship.
Lia was a very charismatic figure. All her life, she had been a natural leader. A “diamond in the rough”, some called her. She stood at about 5’9, with straight long auburn hair, and a figure any sane male would find desirable. Her dark green eyes immediately captured the attention of whomever she spoke to, and her down-to-earth leader like personality kept that attention. As she strode on, small dark outlines could be seen of other soldiers making their way to the airship, up the long rope ladder that hung at least 30 feet from it.
Lia finally reached the ship, all the soldiers seeming to have made it up already. Standing by the ladder was the same man who addressed her before, clad in darker armor that signified a higher rank than the other soldiers that had already climbed into the ship.
“Alden, is everything ready to go? Understand that any stragglers will be left behind.” She said sternly.
“It’s fine. Everyone is on board. You were the one we were waiting for. Let’s go.” The man chuckled as he started the ascent up the latter, leaving Lia shortly behind him.
The two finally reached the deck, and began preperations to leave this deserted city that they had scarred for eternity.
The airship was magnificent.
How's that? It has more than just description this time. :cookie: I'm not ending it at that last sentance, but I'm stopping ther for right now.
Opinions? ;| By the way, don't remark on the layout. Not only am I not perfecting that very moment I write, but VGC screws it up anyway, if you paste it. :)
It looks good to me. I like the style it's written in and the descriptions are very good. I can clearly picture it in my mind and in my opinion that's what's essential for a good writer. Maybe I should post my story...
MORE MORE MORE, i actually really really like it!
you have a good story on your hands.It reminds me of a dungeons & dragons book with a kindda final fantasy 9 twist in it. which would ensure a healthy sell,if you publish it of course.
I know only about five people read this LOL but the story still has been in my head, and I pretty much rewrote what happened in the one above, but it's a lot longer. ;o
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK LOL*
*Formatting might look extremely crappy because of VGC. >_>
A yellow orange haze loomed throughout the deserted city. A somber, lonely wind echoed through the various alleyways. Fractured and cracked walls made up the once proud passages and buildings. A fragrant stench lurked in the air, the product of countless bodies that lay dead in the now quiet battlefield. No survivors could be seen, no frightened breaths of hidden citizens could be heard amidst the mourning wind. The sad state of the once proud city was the result of a massacre. Just hours before, busy merchants crowded the marketplace, selling their goods to grabbing crowds. Just hours before, wealthy aristocrats enjoyed the view of their beautiful city on stone balconies. Just hours before, there was life. The citizens would have no way of knowing that in just a couple hours, their city, their homes, their very lives would be gone. The bustling home of hundreds now stood alone as a massive stone graveyard. An area not so engulfed in the dusty haze was the town square, identified by the beautiful fountain in the middle, the only thing that still seemed alive in the entire city. A proud stone man stood in the middle of it, clear water still pouring from the various spouts, and landing in the dirty, bloody pool. The man stood on a pedestal, and looked proudly into the city that had now been ravaged, holding his sword up in confidence and glory. On the pedestal that the man so boldly stood was a carving that read, “PEACE THROUGH CONFLICT, TRIUMPH THROUGH DUTY.” Standing at the fountain, a lone silhouette in the somber haze could only laugh inside at the irony of the statement. But it was no laughing matter. The very ideas that most likely shaped the city’s foundation were the ones that would lead to its destruction. The figure continued to gaze at the fountain, emotions running through her head like wildfire. She felt confusion, she felt guilt, she felt anger, but most of all, she felt hate. She felt hate to her mad superior that she had once idolized, the one who sent her and her brigade to silence an entire city in cold blood, only to obtain a single item. She felt hate towards the leader who gave her a mission to be not a hero, but a murderer. Revolted at all of the dead bodies surrounding her, Lia’s eyes could only remain locked on that fountain, as if the charismatic statue was the only person she was able to spare. Who was this man? What had he gone through to inspire a statue made in his image? Was he even a real man, or a symbol of hope and courage? These questions intrigued Lia, but most of all frightened her. It frightened her because, the more her eyes and thoughts became attached to this statue, the more she was convinced she was staring at herself.
_________________________________________
“Lia, are you sure about this? We’ve never done anything close to this kind of assignment, even if it is in the name of peace! Have you considered that even if it is a command, we’re not doing the right thing?”
“Of course I’ve considered it! Destroying an entire city isn’t peace, it’s murder. But even so, this is a direct command from his majesty himself.”
“But haven’t you looked at it more closely? I don’t want to be a killer, and I know you don’t either. What if we take what we’re looking for, and leave the city?”
“Unacceptable. He has personally ordered the destruction of it from our hands. He will send another brigade to check it, and you know that. Then it’d be our necks on the line. Besides, his majesty has never been wrong before.
“He’s also never ordered the single destruction of an entire community. We’ve always served for peace. This is not peace. You know it, I know it. I’m sure you’ve also noticed he’s been acting different lately.”
“…I’ve noticed. But this is not the time to question his majesty’s motives. Right now, we have two options. The city dies, or we do. What’s it going to be, Aiden?
“But-“
“What’s it going to be?”
“…The city.”
“Good.”
Aiden walked away slowly, shaking his head as he made his way down the stairs onto the main deck. Lia looked at him regretfully, knowing she had just shaken his confidence in his superiors. But what choice did she have? She knew he was correct. She knew she should stop it, but what choice did she have? If she declined an order from the king himself, twenty airships would be after her in a matter of days. These feelings were overwhelming her, but it was not the time to think of such things. She tried to shake the feelings of doubt and confusion within her, as the faint silhouette of the city on the horizon had began to take form. She looked on either side of her, making eye contact with the captains of the two airships neighboring her own. With her right hand, she positioned her index and middle fingers together and bent her other two, bringing it up to her head, and gesturing the ships to make their move.
The three ships began to hover over the city. Originally side by side, they all began to turn now, almost creating a triangle. Lia looked at crowds down below, stading in awe and amazement at the massive ships moving over their city, blocking the harsh sun. She saw all kinds of people, gazing in awe at these gargantuan ships floating above the city. Children laughed and pointed at the, excitedly, many adults stood dumbfounded, and many other simply looked up and hurriedly continued on their way. It occurred to Lia now that some people had never even seen an airship in their life. She couldn’t take it anymore. She removed her gaze from the civilians, and readied her gear. A sword at her side and some shoulder pads finished her current getup. She made her way to the stairs that would lead to the deck and down the rope ladders slowly. Unsure what to think, a wild mix of emotions nagged at her more than before. Should she do this? Would she be a killer? It’s just an order, right? Would she be able to live with herself? The thoughts overwhelming her began to grow more and more, and before she knew it, her vision was becoming blurry, and she found herself supporting her weight on the railing of the airship, trying to prevent herself from collapsing. Suddenly, a loud, shrill noise snapped her back into her senses. Her troops were on the ground, and the first life had been taken. The scream echoed in her mind over and over as she made her way down the ladder.
Agreed. ;o
And as far as that last passage I posted goes, I was really tired and it was pretty late and I realize now that it pretty much sucks. :cool: Lots of grammatical errors too. >_>