[SIZE="4"]NOT COPIED AND PASTED, PLEASE READ IT WITH INTENT TO KNOW THE FULL STORY[/SIZE][SIZE="1"]
(I put half a degree of effort into it LAST time it got deleted [Fate :grrr:])[/SIZE]
It happened a little while ago.
I was at the doctor's, and he was giving me a regular checkup. Unfortunately, he had some distressing news. "Derick," he said, "if you don't lose some weight, you're going to die of heart failure." Well this was distressing, to say the least.
Later at home, I was watching the History channel. It was a special on Count Vlad Dracul. Apparently, he drank the blood of his defeated enemies as a healthy diet, and it kept him trim and healthy. This gave me an idea.
A few hours later in my prison cell for 16 charges of vehicular manslaughter aganst orphans, I looked over across my cell and saw a man sitting there, writing something. I asked him what he was writing, and he said "I'm writing a book about how glad I am that Tookie Williams is dead." I let it go at that.
During my time in prison, I got raped 12 times. After the tenth time, my body responded with a natural defense system, and I grew razor blades in my rectum. The 11th time I got raped was by the guy who found this out, and the 12th time was me forcing him to do it again, due to my OCD and hatred for odd numbers.
Well anyways, after some time, I was bailed out by a man wearing a long black and red coat. His black hair was slicked back all greasy-like, and his eyes were a brilliant red. Obviously a vampire. He smiled and let his pearly white fangs show, and said "Greetings. I am Antonio. I have set you free that you may serve me in the daylight hours at my ranch."
Well, what choice did I have?
A short drive in his car and we arrive at the ranch. Well, a few days pass, and he comes up to me one evening and says "Derick, I must confess to you. I love you."
I responded, "You're gay?" He replied "What about the movie we went to see?" "I liked the movie," I responded. "What about when we made out in the theater?" He asked. "I thought we were just messin' around and being friendly!"
Well, there was a long moment of silence before I said "Well, I'm sorry Antonio, but I can't be gay with you." He dropped down to his knees and said "But why!"
"Because I've got razor blades in my rectum."
He stood up, his head hanging in sorrow. "Then you must leave."
Walking away from the ranch, I saw a man ride up on a horse. "Howdy partner. Care to ride the wilderness with me?"
"You're not gay are you?" I asked.
"Nope, I'm half-self-bisexual."
"What's that mean?"
"Well, I enjoy the touch of a woman, but I prefer the feelin' of my iron grip against my well-toned penis as I masturbate."
I stood there for a moment, and then asked "What's the other half?"
"Dragon." To display this, he whipped out his dick right then and there, and I was impressed to see that, indeed, it had a six pack. He grabbed the shaft and squeezed until the head turned blue, and then began punching it while blowing fire. That was enough proof for me. Off we rode.
We rode into the forest, and were assaulted by 40 ninjas. I know this because I have the amazing power to instantly enumerate any amount of things instantly. ANYWAYS, the half-dragon clubbed them all to death with his massive dick within seconds, and we rode on until we found a log cabin. Needless to say, we had to kill the Robot Abraham Lincoln Guard, but that wasn't that hard.
So later that night, I hear him groaning, and I said "You don't have to do this." He replied, "Just...leave without me. I have to do this." So I left as he began to masturbate, his fire breath bringing the log house down on top of him. Go[COLOR="black"]d[/COLOR] bless.
So, with nowhere else to go, I went home, which wasn't that far, given that the forest was roughly a 20 minute walk from my house. As I got to the door, however, I found it was locked. Suddenly, The Ghost of Fate appeared next to me. "Use the key under the doormat," The Ghost of Fate said. "Thanks, Ghost of Fate!" Sure enough, the key was there. When I got in, my dad offered me a burger on a silver plate, and that was just cool. I went to the bathroom to take a crap, and it came out in four cleanly sliced cubes.
~Epilogue~
One day whilst at my computer, Keira Nightley walked into my room and professed her undying love for me. So I married her. Years later, I found out she was actually Dakota Fanning in a skin suit stuffed with Sharon Stone's body parts. So I stayed married to her to be envied by pedo's around the world.
[CENTER]
CAST:
Me: Bruce Willis
Doctor: Keanu Reeves
Car used to kill orphans: That car from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Man writing about Tookie William's Death: Tookie Williams O_O
Man who raped me the last two times: Keifer Southerland
Antonio: Antonio Banderas
Half Dragon: Vin Deisel
40 Ninjas: Steven Segall (all at once)
Robot Abraham Lincoln: Me
Ghost of Fate: Christian Bale
My Father: The Burger King
4 Cubes of Crap: Chevy Chase (zing)
Keira Nightley: Joan Rivers (low budget casting)
Dakota Fanning: Danny Devito
Sharon Stone's Body Parts: Those were actually hers. She died.[/CENTER]
Come on now....the 4 Cubes of Crap part belonged to Pauly Shore. (bigger zing)
Or Paris Hilton, if I said I crapped out four cubes of slut.
Huh, I laughed a few times.
first thing i noticed was a vampire. **** vampires. didnt read, sorry.
Wow, talk about jaded. The story isn't even about them.
Well, there is a gay one.
Named Antonio.
The half dragon part made me cringe a little bit.
Other than that it made a roflcopter out of me, especially the casting.
Steven Segal...
Fatty
That was brilliant. Danny Devito as Dakota Fanning.. LMFAO
what the ****
I love you
Could some one translate the post in to a paragraph for the 95% of us that are too lazy to read past the first paragraph!!! :wacko:
I was gonna read thsi thread and post 'Wow, me too. We should diet together.'
I love you and want to have your children.
Hahahahaha that was ****ing hilarious. The fact that it started off seriously was all like "huh okay" but then everything after that was like a Bel-air 100000x.
This one was more beautiful than the last one. I loved it.
I was at the doctor's, and he was giving me a regular checkup. Unfortunately, he had some distressing news. "Derick," he said, "if you don't lose some weight, you're going to die of heart failure." Well this was distressing, to say the least.
I seriously read that, and thought you were going to die soon or something.
Just like my last story started off with me walking to Anthony's house. :D
How the hell does one attain a six pack on his dick?
He's like, my god now. Or something.
Cock pushups.
Jack Black get
Howdy! I enjoyed that, even though it was weird, and I also thought it was going to be something about really getting fat, but it turned out to be so much better than I expected. By the way, for anyone who has never seen me before, this is my first day.
So we figured.
[quote=Stone Cold Crazy]We have a genius among us! I have no idea how you came to that conclusion...
Based on the sarcasm, you figure everyone would know that... right?
Then why did you feel the need to tell us?
(deleted my double post.... well, was beaten to it)
[quote=Stone Cold Crazy]We have a genius among us! I have no idea how you came to that conclusion...
Based on the sarcasm, you figure everyone would know that... right?
Then why did you feel the need to tell us?
Was I supposed to lol?