When I first saw your eyes, you saved me from more than just
A broken ankle, a trip back home
You showed me how to trust
A stranger, my best friend
Thank you, Joe
* * *
Who will shed a tear for the man living on the street?
Who will take a stand, when others retreat?
Who will comfort the lonely boy with cancer, as he dies?
Who will listen to the lost girl's cries?
Who will die, for the one they claim to love?
Who will say a prayer to up above?
Will you?
* * *
Carve your name is the wooden mask of stone
Show us your hidden face, hide behind the show
Be subservient and always speak your mind
Reflect on this boring life so sublime
Kill yourself, cut your throat
And stay with me, so we can reflect upon our lives and gloat
* * *
T'was not the night's cool air, but maybe
Your bluebelle eyes cast a spell on me
Perhaps, they all knew
that faded secret that lie
Between you, between I
If I had any ink in my printer left, I'd print that out, so any time someone asked what horrendous emo b[COLOR="black"]u[/COLOR]llsh[COLOR="black"]i[/COLOR]t is, I'd pull that out of my pocket.
And for the love of G[COLOR="black"]o[/COLOR]d, at least work a decent ryhme scheme in there.
Stop living in your teenage fantasy world or I'm going to cut of my possessed and hand reattach it with a chainsaw and come after you.
The only points you get for this is that it seems inspired. Other than that I don't like it.
Put in some crazy-cool political stuff and maybe it'll be good.
Yeah, I'll give it that much. It does seem as though it comes from real life, so props. Even if it was terrible.
LETS DO THIS LINE BY LINE.
Carve your name is the wooden mask of stone
"is" is clearly not the verb to use here. This line makes absolutely no sense (wtf is a wooden mask of stone), but at least it would be grammatically correct if you used "on" insted.
Show us your hidden face, hide behind the show
"Show" does not rhyme with "stone", perhaps you should fix that.
Be subservient and always speak your mind
I doubt your audience knows what "subservient" means. Use some thing we all understand.
Reflect on this boring life so sublime
Once again, your rhyme and meter is completely wacky. Please fix, also, "boring" just is not a good word to use in poems.
Kill yourself, cut your throat
Woah woah woah. Is this some sort of cultist death chant?
And stay with me, so we can reflect upon our lives and gloat
Doesn't make sense, again. If I'm dead, I can't stay with you and gloat. Also, the meter is once again completely ignored.
That is just the grammatical issues. The subject at hand is not very welcoming, I might add.
[quote=GameMiestro] Be subservient and always speak your mind
I doubt your audience knows what "subservient" means. Use some thing we all understand.
I disagree seeing as how vocabulary can also be a large part of the beauty of poems.
Except for this poem, it can't be saved.
[quote=Stalolin]I disagree seeing as how vocabulary can also be a large part of the beauty of poems.
"Be antidisestablishmentarianismistic, and consistantly floccinaucinihilipilificate your formaldehydetetramethylamidofluorimum!"
Much better! :D
I dunno, I'd enjoy reading a poem like that.
IT SUCKS KILL YOURSELF
I like how a couple of those are "ZOMG BFF LOL HOBOS MAKE ME SAD" then right after that there's a poem that tells you to kill yourself.
I've read worse. You need to get deeper with these. Go into the surreal. Describe things superfluously. Ramble. That's what makes poetry. Poetry is the nonsense in between what we say. It's the words you think but don't speak, for the sake of being "brief". These are too cut and dry (pardon the pun). You can do better. Read more. Observe. Write.