Thats right, writign a story, need beta readers =3 here's the first chapter. PM or IM me via an instant messenger if interested.
00 - Beginnings
Dan fell to the dirt hard headfirst. The large man yelled at Dan before kicking him hard on the side, tossing him to his side. Dan winced in pain but quickly forced himself back onto his two feet and grabbed his brown sack. He holstered his bag around his shoulder, which was nearly as big as him, and as fast as he could towards the lowering sun. In the distance where Dan ran towards was Quintessence, a very large city nearby where he lived. As Dan came closer to the city, he slowed down and began walking down the road with his right hand over the left side of his waist where Bruno, his boss, kicked him, and his left arm held the sack over his shoulder. It was getting cold, the few trees on the way was changing the colors and near naked of leaves. As Dan walked along the dirt road, houses appeared, slowly becoming closer and closer to one and the other until they were packed together like teeth.
The city was quiet during the night, the only sounds came from the Inns, pubs, and from a few drunks which wandered the streets. Dan was used to this and paid them no mind. He came to a stop before a dark old house with windows boarded up and entered it, closing the half rotted door behind him as he went through it.
The house was small and cramp with only one room. The walls were made of wood, mostly rotted and littered with holes; the floor was no better. Across the room were many crates, some wool bundled in a corner making a bed, and some broken pieces of wood, pushed into the corners out of harms way. Sitting on a crate near the corner of the room was a young girl facing Dan. She was only seven by the looks of it. She had long hair and was dressed in dirty brown rags like Dan was. The girl grinned widely and jumped off the crate before running up to Dan, carefully avoiding the holes and rotting parts of the floor and tackled Dan lightly and hugged him tightly, causing him to drop his sack and hug her lightly, ignoring the bruise on his side that Diana was unknowingly making hurt as she hugged him.
"Hey Sis, how's it going? Anyone come by?" Dan asked his little sister as they let go of their hug.
"You're late!" She yelled at him, her smile quickly disappeared and was replaced with an annoyed look as she crossed her arms and glared at him. Dan laughed lightly and patted her on the head.
"Sorry sis, things took longer than I expected." Dan apologized, "Though I got you something to make up for it." Dan picked up his sack and opened it; he grabbed a large brown flask of water, a potato and a carrot and gave it to Diana. Diana look disappointed but Dan just smiled cheerily, "Eat first. I'll give it to you after."
They walked back to the corner of the room. Diana sat on a crate near the middle of the room and began eating while Dan sat on a crate in the corner. He pulled his sack on a crate next to him and lied back against the wall and looked at Diana as she bit hungrily in the food he gave her. He sighed sadly. He wish he could get Diana more to eat, a better place to live, and a better life in general. He brought her here because he heard of better paying jobs. He didn't care if they were harder and required longer hours; all he cared of was Diana.
Dan thought back a few years. Their father died long ago. All he could remember about him was a towering giant, though a gentle one. Their mother though died only a few years ago. A plague swept through Amga and took many away, including her. Since then Dan took the best care he could of Diana and found any work possible.
Dan's thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash. Diana bolted up and hid behind a crate, taking a peek at the large man standing where the door was. Dan's eyes went wide and he jumped to his feet and hurried over to Bruno who was walking quickly towards him with a fearsome look in his face. The man growled.
"Did you think I was done with you?" Bruno growled and grabbed Dan by the upper arm tightly before noticing Diana peering from behind the crates. "Who's this young lady over here?" Bruno questioned Dan in slight surprise. Dan's heart begins to races and though he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn
Haven't read the whole thing yet, but from the few sentences I picked out at random, it doesn't flow too well. I'm not trying to be harsh here, it's constructive criticism. :)
"The large man yelled at Dan before kicking him hard on the side, tossing him to his side." The repetition of "side" is a tad redundant - You could probably think of a better way to phrase that. Also, the "before" doesn't scan too well - It's nicer to think of actions as a smooth flow rather than a detailed step-by-step sort of thing. "The large man screamed at Dan; he was kicked hard on the side..."
"He holstered his bag around his shoulder, which was nearly as big as him, and as fast as he could towards the lowering sun." Ambiguity is bad. Just crop out a little bit of the sentence, and:
"...his shoulder, which was nearly as big as him..."
You'd probably want to fumble around with the syntax a little. You should write in a fashion which lets the reader understand what you're referring to. Also, you seem to have forgotten a verb towards the end of the sentence - I'll let you figure that one out for yourself.
Just my two pence - Give it a little proofreading, and I'll look it over again sometime. :)
I gave it several proof reading but I have trouble finding my mistakes, that's why I need/asking for a beta reader ><
Quick tip: use more pronouns.
[quote=Sk2k52]Thats right, writign a story, need beta readers =3 here's the first chapter. PM or IM me via an instant messenger if interested.
00 - Beginnings
Dan fell to the dirt hard headfirst. The large man yelled at Dan before kicking him hard on the side, tossing him to his side. Dan winced in pain but quickly forced himself back onto his two feet and grabbed his brown sack. He holstered his bag around his shoulder, which was nearly as big as him, and as fast as he could towards the lowering sun. In the distance where Dan ran towards was Quintessence, a very large city nearby where he lived. As Dan came closer to the city, he slowed down and began walking down the road with his right hand over the left side of his waist where Bruno, his boss, kicked him, and his left arm held the sack over his shoulder. It was getting cold, the few trees on the way was changing the colors and near naked of leaves. As Dan walked along the dirt road, houses appeared, slowly becoming closer and closer to one and the other until they were packed together like teeth.
The city was quiet during the night, the only sounds came from the Inns, pubs, and from a few drunks which wandered the streets. Dan was used to this and paid them no mind. He came to a stop before a dark old house with windows boarded up and entered it, closing the half rotted door behind him as he went through it.
The house was small and cramp with only one room. The walls were made of wood, mostly rotted and littered with holes; the floor was no better. Across the room were many crates, some wool bundled in a corner making a bed, and some broken pieces of wood, pushed into the corners out of harms way. Sitting on a crate near the corner of the room was a young girl facing Dan. She was only seven by the looks of it. She had long hair and was dressed in dirty brown rags like Dan was. The girl grinned widely and jumped off the crate before running up to Dan, carefully avoiding the holes and rotting parts of the floor and tackled Dan lightly and hugged him tightly, causing him to drop his sack and hug her lightly, ignoring the bruise on his side that Diana was unknowingly making hurt as she hugged him.
"Hey Sis, how's it going? Anyone come by?" Dan asked his little sister as they let go of their hug.
"You're late!" She yelled at him, her smile quickly disappeared and was replaced with an annoyed look as she crossed her arms and glared at him. Dan laughed lightly and patted her on the head.
"Sorry sis, things took longer than I expected." Dan apologized, "Though I got you something to make up for it." Dan picked up his sack and opened it; he grabbed a large brown flask of water, a potato and a carrot and gave it to Diana. Diana look disappointed but Dan just smiled cheerily, "Eat first. I'll give it to you after."
They walked back to the corner of the room. Diana sat on a crate near the middle of the room and began eating while Dan sat on a crate in the corner. He pulled his sack on a crate next to him and lied back against the wall and looked at Diana as she bit hungrily in the food he gave her. He sighed sadly. He wish he could get Diana more to eat, a better place to live, and a better life in general. He brought her here because he heard of better paying jobs. He didn't care if they were harder and required longer hours; all he cared of was Diana.
Dan thought back a few years. Their father died long ago. All he could remember about him was a towering giant, though a gentle one. Their mother though died only a few years ago. A plague swept through Amga and took many away, including her. Since then Dan took the best care he could of Diana and found any work possible.
Dan's thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash. Diana bolted up and hid behind a crate, taking a peek at the large man standing where the door was. Dan's eyes went wide and he jumped to his feet and hurried over to Bruno who was walking quickly towards him with a fearsome look in his face. The man growled.
"Did you think I was done with you?" Bruno growled and grabbed Dan by the upper arm tightly before noticing Diana peering from behind the crates. "Who's this young lady over here?" Bruno questioned Dan in slight surprise. Dan's heart begins to races and though he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn