Because of what you did to me
My life isn't veiled, I cannot see
The scars I have will never fade
My soul is dead, left where it laid
Do you feel any remorse
For the day you took my sanity by force?
I will not ever love, reluctant in fear
That you will come back and you will reappear
You had me lie
I could not shed a tear, could not cry
Now you cannot hurt me; you're long dead
But you still whisper inside my head
I'm on my knees, I'm pleading
Stop haunting me, stop my endless bleeding.
Stick to your rhythm pattern (for example, change "That you will come back, that you will reappear" to something like "That you will come back and reappear") and it'll be near perfect.
Okay, thanks. I guess it is better that way.
I thought it was beautiful.
tasty.
Ah, thanks, guys...
1) Rhyming couplets are the most simple, uninspired form of poetry there is. Try to vary it some and switch things up with different patterns.
2) Poetry like this is pretty much a personal thing, assuming it has some base in truth. Chances are that if you throw stuff like this around, people are going to lump you in with all the moronic suburban teenagers who cry cuz their mommy wont drive them to hot Topic. Just something to consider; I"m not telling you to keep it to yourself or anything.
Honestly, it wasnt bad for what it was. But like I said, if your intent is to craft interesting poetry, vary the rhyme scheme. Instead of AABBCCDDEEFF etc, try something like abacadee or something harder to predict but still easy to follow.
I do keep most of my emo-screamo poems to myself... But I don't like to pick-and-choose. I will try to, though, if you want.
I'm just saying if every poem you post is full of gloom and doom, you're going to look like a one trick pony.
Trick pony?
*Waves WTF Flag*
It's a saying. Meaning you're only good at one thing.