A letter I been working on. Feedback would be appreciated.

[Watcher]

My heart hurts me from within. It aches in sorrow for I am unable to express my undying feeling from on. I tried to just get over this feeling, to look away, but my love for you is too great. I know this might be weird, just finding this, but I cannot speak these words for too much fear swells within me. I am too fearful to speak my heart in person, but it aches too much I must tell you someway. Though we don't talk much except for the occasional word here or there, you likely don't even notice me, but you've taken my heart captive. I can't think anymore about anything without you coming to my mind.

Whenever I see the seen I think how bright just the sight of your face makes everything. Whenever I hear a soothing sound, I can't help but think how your heavenly voice. Whenever I see a flower, I can't help but think how much more beautiful your face is. Whenever I hear you talk my heart grows wings. I can't keep this within any longer, so this is why I'm writing this to you.

If you choose to simply ignore and toss out this letter, I'll understand, just please consider giving me a chance, give us a chance, let me show you my love.

-----

[Dark]

Sounds a bit desperate. Who is this to?

[sabre]

Moved to Lit/Fanfic.

That's adorable; it's really pretty. :) Good luck with whoever it may be you're sending it to.

[Bebop]

Sounds a bit cliche if not imaginative at times.

[Vampiro V. Empire]

Sounds a bit cliche

Concured.

Eh, it's pretty blah IMO. Sounds like you're playing to leave this in a locker for a girl to find or something. A girl you barely talk to. I can just imagine the expression on her face (not a good thing). Build up to something like this, the letter is a little too strong to give to someone you barely know. Also, it reads more like a poem than a letter, and it's way over the top. I suggest being a bit more casual about it. YOu don't want to freak her out after all.

[Hypocider]

Yeah--I'll have to agree with Vampiro there. It's a little too cheesy if you don't really know this girl, unless you are on really good terms, I don't recommend you do anything like this.

[Fiindil]

sounds more like something a band would take up as a love song I feel.

Oh, by the way, it's scene not seen [/pedant man]

[Admiral Anthrax]

My heart hurts me from within. It aches in sorrow for I am unable to express my undying feeling from on. I tried to just get over this feeling, to look away, but my love for you is too great. I know this might be weird, just finding this, but I cannot speak these words for too much fear swells within me. I am too fearful to speak my heart in person, but it aches too much I must tell you someway. Though we don't talk much except for the occasional word here or there, you likely don't even notice me, but you've taken my heart captive. I can't think anymore about anything without you coming to my mind.

Whenever I see the seen I think how bright just the sight of your face makes everything. Whenever I hear a soothing sound, I can't help but think how your heavenly voice. Whenever I see a flower, I can't help but think how much more beautiful your face is. Whenever I hear you talk my heart grows wings. I can't keep this within any longer, so this is why I'm writing this to you.

If you choose to simply ignore and toss out this letter, I'll understand, just please consider giving me a chance, give us a chance, let me show you my love.

-----

If you go through sending this to her, I will personally kick you. You need to build up to it, AND be a little more positive sounding in this letter. You can't love someone you don't even know that well like that.

In fact, being able to sweep her off her feet in person is much better than writing some sad letter.

[sabre]

I think a love letter is slightly more romantic than "WATCHER RIP GIRL FROM SEAT. WATCHER CARRY GIRL TO LOVE ROOM, THERE SAUCY THINGS HAPPEN WITH WATCHER AND GIRL." Besides, looking too confident and assertive just makes you look arrogant - I think that such a heartfelt and sincere expression of deep emotion is far more healthy.

[Fiindil]

I don't think that's how Admiral meant it. If one can say something like the letter, but without the desperate sounding bits, and removing some of the clichés, and it doesn't make one look like a complete and utter prat[1], then it's surely better than some anonymous letter?

[1] although this is very unlikely to happen

[sabre]

I'd assume the letter wouldn't be anonymous. Besides, I think most people would lose track of their words while speaking, and make a fool of their self - you can proof read a letter.

[Fiindil]

Just buy a lamb's heart and dump it into his/her locker, solves all love problems!

[sabre]

Of course, Admiral Anthrax, that's not to say that if that kina thing works for you I'd be against it, just that I'm really not at all a fan of that kinda approach, personally. I guess you can go about it any way you want, whatever suits you (lamb heart aside). The "GROW SOME BALLS" concept seems slightly flawed to me, I really don't think it should be applied to such situations. But to you, it may seem perfect; it's a matter of style.

[Vampiro V. Empire]

The "GROW SOME BALLS" concept seems slightly flawed to me, I really don't think it should be applied to such situations.

Indeed. Some people just aren't able to confront girls. BUT, there are ways of going about it without sounding like he does. I would just be afraid of scaring the girl away before you ever get to know her. He should build up some sort of relationship first though, which will be tough. And it all depends on what age group he belongs to. I don't think a Grade 10 or lower girl would be able to handle his letter, but maybe someone older. Right now it just sounds like he's infactuated, which many people mistake as being deeply in love. But if he can't confront her now, imagine what it will be like once he gives her the letter.

[Boner]

Whenever I see the seen....

That should be spelled scene. Not that it would be a big distraction from what a loser this letter makes you sound like. I'm not saying that you are a loser. This letter just makes you sound like one. Mainly due to the fact that you sound incredibly desperate. Women hate that stuff. Sensitive is good; desperate is bad.

[Dark]

I dunno, the general meaning says "I want you now so I'm writing a very desperate letter". I'm not saying that you're a bad person- maybe you just need to make it sound a bit less... stalker/fanboy-ish.

[Pete]

Recommendation: Forget the Linkin-Park inspired whiny letter. Letters only really come when you actually go out with someone; the clichéd ideal of writing a soppy letter and leaving it in a locker and having your dream partnet throw down their pants and jump onto you into the hallway is simply that: A dream. Or, a porno. But that's another story.


If being the suppressed introvert during my high-school years taught me anything, it's that writing letters like these and acting in this manner does not get you anywhere.
Well, unless you want rejection to keep perpetuating with defeat after defeat.

As has been mentioned, it comes off as being creepy/desperate, and will most likely lead to the letter being shown to his/her friends and you being laughed at, by the least.

My suggestion? Confront your inner fears and just say hello to him/her one day, ask how their day is going, and go from there. Sometimes you can just hit the right spark and end up chatting/coffeeing/spending time together for 3-7 hours and wonder "How did the time go so fast?" at the end of it.

And if you feel yourself choking up after even a minute or two, just go "Oh hey I gotta get to class/gym/church/something, maybe we could catch up sometime again?". That way you get a short and straight yes/no, and if successful, allows you to go about your day, calm down, feel good, and revel in the success. And if not, well, ask if she has any cute and interested friends.

I'm not casting stones, just giving advice based on experiences learnt the hard way :)

[Chépito]

I agree with Vampiro. You will most probably freak her out and she won't talk to you. You should build up a relationship by having casual conversation or maybe by being cocky and funny. A sense of humor is a great asset to your success. and that letter just made me yawn. If you only know her from class... then find a way to get to sit next to her. Talk to her then.

[MetalVox~55]

Reading that thing made me want to post this:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v188/metalvox/livejournal.gif